39 Reasons Chunks is the Shit - Happy Birthday Kiddo

39 Reasons That Chunks is the Shit:

39. When she accidently creates evil looking angels, she will share the picture with you.
38. She coined the phrase "No Mother, Kahlua can't solve ALL problems."
37. She admitted that she shares the same dirty thought that when someone mentions a midget having sex, she pictures someone being spun around like a top (and don't tell me the picture has never entered your mind either, you prudes!)
36. Her "Vagina Monologue" has put a huge dent into the "kootchie plastic surgery" market - of course, her monologue came too late for Joan Rivers, Dyan Canon, and Marie Osmond, but those ones can't see much action anyway.
35. Her sudden turning on that sanctimonious (I know that's spelled wrong but I don't WANT to spell check, ok?) Oprah helped all of us break free from her evil clutches, stopping her bid for world domination (Bitch, you have Bob Greene, Dr. Oz, and a chef on the payroll and you still get all jiggly every year or two? Honey, someone's blowing smoke up your ass when they sew those size 8 labels in your clothes.)
34. We know her cycle better than she does.
33. Her knack for naming people gives us all distinct visuals of all who she talks about - I could spot Tanorexic out of a crowd of Hepatitis patients anyday.
32. She is the only person who can say the C word and get away with it.
31. She knows when she gets a fucked-up haircut and can admit it.
30. She poops while on the phone to Devo when they have their marathon phone conversations and doesn't tell her. (HAHAHAH... just kidding, Dev... I think).
29. She googles and finds people from grade school and they remember her.
28. She googles and finds people from high school and sends links to us so she isn't laughing at them alone.
27. She believes Mars Bars are a food group to be eaten at breakfast.
26. She can ride a tractor like nobody's business.
25. She still secretly wishes she could look like Nik Rhodes.
24. She makes sure her servers get tipped eventually.
23. She floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee.
22. She talks to angels.
21. She is his only need.
20. She's an easy lover.
19. She's come undone.
18. She works hard for the money.
17. She Bop.
16. She's been to Georgia and California and anywhere she could run - took the hand of a preacher man and they made love in the sun, she's be undressed by kings and she's seen some things that a woman ain't s'posed to see... she's been to paradise but she's never been to me. (39 points is damn hard to come up with at midnight, so sue me if the song stuff was lame - I ain't Oprah with a staff of writers, you know?)
15. She makes a mean roast beef.
14. She is a good nursemaid to her husband - as long as he doesn't ask her what she's doing every 5 minutes.
13. She understands that we need regular VLOGS.
12. She gets the humor of cousin Geri from The Facts of Life.
11. She gets turned on by Regis Philbin.
10. She reminds me of Elaine Nardo from Taxi before she became a crazy bitch in the 90s.
9. She will comment on any retarded thing you post.
8. She will always reassure you that it's THEM who are crazy, not you.... even when it IS you who is the nutbar.
7. She is on a first name basis with James Frey.
6. She will read any book you tell her.
5. She could make a grocery list funny.
4. She drops about 6 eggs at a time.... sort of like a salmon.
3. She always knows what swear word to say to make you feel better.
2. She hides nothing.
1. She's chunkerific.

Happy Birthday, Buddy. May the next 39 years be as interesting as the past 39, and may we all be able to come along with you for the ride. Rock on, sister friend - you're awesome.
And as Rachel said to say, Happy fucking birthday!
JT