That Line is in the fate of us all

Good evening from the theatre of the absurd. Because, truly, that's what the past two days have been. Not in a bad hideous way, really, just in a wtf kind of way. First, though, let me back up to the last post and all the hideousness.
Ok, Coles notes version - My sister goes to the bank with my dad and long story short, the massive amounts of money were payments he made to credit cards at other banks. Like, the 4600 dollars or whatever the hell it was looks like maybe he paid that instead of the minimum payment of 46 dollars or something like that. Anyway, it was accounted for - we just dont know why the fuck he was doing that. BUT, the troubling thing was his constant taking out of money from the teller in the amounts of $100 each time. One day, he took it out 3 separate times at three separate machines. He claims he has no idea what the fuck happened and doesn't know where it is. So, I immediately think someone is scamming him, but then again, he hoardes things now, so perhaps he's hoarding. He ALWAYS has had a big envelope of money in his underwear drawer - we've always known that, and I am not sure why he's always had that, but it's always like a couple hundred dollar float he's had going. So he could be taking it and shoving it somewhere. Apparently, he's been hoarding plastic bags like a motherfucker in his closet, and weird shit like that, so maybe he's got it stashed. My mom's gonna snoop around. Anyway, we took his bank card away but he was so distraught and humiliated and he will not go to my mother for money, so the next day he went out and got a temporary bank card, and then went and told my sister so she cut it up. So anyway, the very fact that ANY of this shit is going on just completely freaks the living fuck out of me - until you go through it, you have no frigging clue. I know two women who are going through the same thing - Margo, our friend with the kidney failure - well, her mom is the same way, and Peggy (I'll use the real name here because I can't think of a fake one that Margo will catch on to), well, her mom is all freaky too now, so when I run into them, it's a relief to share horror stories. But anyway, at least that shit is being dealt with and it is what it is and whatever. Nothing I can do but figure out a way to deal. Fuck, if only I could drink more than one drink of Kahlua at a time..... bummer.
Ok, so let's move on from that and talk about the dentist. I think because of all the shit the day before, I was just a fucking nutcase about the dentist, so I was completely freaking out. I take 2 ativan before the appointment and then go there, but I realize I need a good hour for ativan to work, and i didn't give it an hour, so I was literally shaking in my boots. Thankfully, it was busy so I had to get an x-ray and then wait like 20 minutes before they decided what to do. The dentist comes in and calls me "brother" and that amused me so much that I suddenly realize that the shit is kicking in. WELL, fuck me Dorothy, I was higher than a kite by the time I left. Usually, ativan takes the edge off and makes me a little tired and makes my legs ache. This time, I was happy and high and chatty. So.... he asks about the tooth and I say what it's been doing and he said he maybe it doesn't need a root canal so he'll put a crown on it and we'll take it from there. SO he freezes the shit out of it, and I start taking amusement at the Herman posters on the ceiling that I have enjoyed for over 25 years. Then they come and start drilling. And I squirm because I can feel it. So they freeze some more and leave me alone. They come back. Drill again. I feel it again and shudder, but I am so high I try to reassure them that I can handle no freezing. He then gives me like 400 little weird needle things right in the drilled out tooth and then comes back and does whatever and he says "I think we are doing the right thing" which translates to me as "ok, it's a root canal". SO I find out he took the nerve out, but I am so high and relaxed I tried to hint that he should just keep going. No dice. Then I am all "hey, I need a cleaning. Can I get a cleaning without a check up? Because i am covered for one check up but two cleanings in a year, and I had the check up in Feb., but I can get another cleaning..." and they are all like "yeah, whatever, just make the appointment" and I am all "well, you see, I have coffee stains on the back of my one tooth..." and I can't shut up. So then I leave, and as I am making my next appointment, the receptionist has this dog there because she's dogsitting and they drop the dog off early to her, and holy fuck, I was almost rolling on the floor with this dog and asking questions and asking if she has a dog and then I see a picture and ask how old it is and if she considered getting two dogs and told her I had two dogs and how it makes having dogs way easier and then I went on about the fucking CAT, and I just couldnt shut up. SO then, I go downstairs (Dentist is on the second floor of this strip mall) and march into this hair salon and go "any cancellations? I was just upstairs and thought what the hey!" and the dude (Margo, it was Pierre, remember his salon back in the day?) said no, so then I go into the drug store for some reason rather than going into my car, and call Rachel on my cell, and I am wandering aimlessly in the store and ask her what we needed from Safeway and I am suddenly studying the deodorant like i was studying for the SATs and smelling everything in sight and find myself muttering rhetorically out loud why there are no deodorant gels anymore, only antipersperants, because I have this belief that antipersperants are carcinogenic, and then I don't even buy anything although I peeled the silver foil cover off of about 40 dollars of the shit, and then leave to go to Safeway - a store waaay out of my way, and remember, I am high, and I forgot to mention that we got the first snow of the year that day and it's snowy and freezing rainy and the roads were shittier than Andrew Dice Clay's ass, and off I go to Safeway - the reason I chose there is not because I wanted Starbucks, but because I wanted to buy some bottled water with the sippy cap thingy, and they sell it - their Refreshe wateer. Anyway... I am going to pour some wine now, because I need a buzz just reliving all of this. Ok, no wine glass even - just a tupperware glass, God help me. ANYWAY. I get to Safeway, and I have no quarter for a cart. So do I go in and buy a pack of gum to get a quarter? Noooo.... I grab one of the carts for people with children - you know, the front is a car that two kids can ride in, with a cart on the back, and it's horrible to push, but it helps you shop with kids? That thing. I have no kids with me. They only have like 3 of them and people always want them for their kids. But there i am buying all this weird shit, all by my lonesome, with this cart. And THEN, I decide that we need to buy one of those 40 lb bags of dogfood. So I throw the dogfood INTO the front of the cart where the children would be sitting.
THEN, after the shopping spree, I then wonder down to the newly reopened Winners, where I bought some gitch the other day that I fucking loved. They look like something a porn star would wear, some sort of spandex/polyester/microfibre blend, but bitch, those things hold everything in place like nobody's business, so I grabbed two more pairs - one of them a delightful bumblebee yellow. I completely forgot doing this until last night when I saw the bag in the van and thought "wtf?" Anyway. That was the dentist. It was de-fucking-lightful. But in January, well, I'll need some help. HEY - Ativan taking readers. I need some more. I don't want to go to the doctor just for that. Please, send me whatever you can spare. I need like 10, for the 4 dentist appointments and the one meeting I have to be a part of. I am not kidding. Can anybody spare some Ativan? Lemme know, I'll fucking pay the shipping. LOLOL, I am so serious, you know?
Ok, so let me take you into yesterday. I can't say much because I have that fear that I never know who is actually reading this and whatever, so contact me off-blog for a more detailed rundown. But let me just say this - The kids' friend, from a couple doors' down, was having a birthday. She lives with her grandma, mom, and teen brother with the same condition Augusten's brother has. Grannie basically raises them, at 70 plus years old. ANYWAY, this kid, who we have around all the time, had a birthday yesterday and was telling us all week we party was Friday at the bowling alley. So, dear Rachel calls them on Thursday night to see what was up, and we find out that maybe next week would be the party. WELL. Then they ask if we want to go to DQ for cake with them (?) on Fri. and she said we'll see. So anyway, in the meantime, we decide we'll get a sitter for baby and take the kids to Pizza Hut for supper and then to Bee Movie. So we make up some story and say "how about Saturday" and mama says yes, but could we just come to your house with a cake? to which my wife was all "SURE" and then after she was all "WHAT THE FUCK????? THIS IS FUCKING WHACKED!" Well, let me say Bee Movie was pretty funny. So then let me lead into tonight with a story of today.
We went shopping today with the kids and were hungry so we decided to go for lunch. We went to Zellers, because we went there a couple weeks ago with the kids and it's the perfect place for kids - noisy, quick, and they give colouring books and crayons to the kids. Back when I was a wee lad, we used to go to Zellers almost every Saturday for lunch. My mom and dad would take me there and we'd meet my sister "Lois", who was the cosmetics manager at Zellers for lunch. I'd always get a plain hamburger and douse it with ketchup, and then get grape pop to drink, from those funny pop fountain things. They would always have lots of crushed ice in their drinks. Good times.
So anyway, we go to Zellers today, because they make a mean fucking quesadellia or however you spell it. WELL. Motherfucker, it was like being in the motherfucking twilight zone, minus the creepy music. Ok, so you know what you are in for when you eat at the Skillet. It aint no shi-shi poo-poo bullshit. You aint' going to see the Mayor chowing down on vittles, that's for sure. You'll see the Zellers crowd, which is usually grey haired and odd, and that's allright with me, I ain't no snob. But holy mother of motherfucking pearl, it took the cake today. It was mega busy when we got there, and I snag the last booth. Finally, after a long wait, this rollie pollie waitress named Mary comes to clean the filthy table
- wait, interlude here. I am feeling the tupperware cup of wine. Don't lecture me Chunks, it's been one fuck of a week and if I feel a little shiny from a tupperware glass of wine, well, goonie goo goo bitch! hahhahahahah! My wife just told be to listen to the fucking RAIN falling outside. I just stood on the deck and got soaked from the rain. We have snow, remember? It's gonna be a fucking arena tomorrow, God help us all....
ANYWAY, rollie pollie Mary - she is cleaning my table whilst my wife takes the girls to the shitter, which, I might add, are the grossest shitters in the world. Our Zellers has the worst bathrooms. The women's room always makes them feel like they are going to leave there with hepetitis, and the men's room, well, pretty sure it sees more action than a San Fransisco Bath House - not a place you want to go in, let's leave it at that. So Mary is clearing the table and this old biddy comes up and gets like an inch from Mary's face and says "on your way back, can you bring me a slice of lemon merangue pie, and also clear off the dishes on the table? The table is littered with dishes!" and Mary gives a heartly laugh and says "sure!" and mutters to me "not MY section.... but she's a nice lady!" I believe her at this point. THEN, I see this woman I went to high school with who took a chair from the table next to me, and we strangely decided to acknowledge that we knew each other (because I usually ingore everyone I went to highschool with) and we make pleasantries. I know she is married to this Spanish guy and she is there with her kids and this table of Spanish inlaws and I note that they got there the same time as me, and are also in Mary's section. SO, we order. We wait. The kids colour. The high school Spanish-loving girl and her posse get fed. I note their meals are fucked up and shit is sent back and whatever, because they got some of the wrong food. "Sucks to be you, motherfuckers" I think. But our food isn't arriving. My coffee isn't being refilled. I need my coffee. The kids are getting antsy and bored and sick of colouring. In walks this woman who I recognize from around town, in her late 50s I'd say, and looks like the Zellers crowd type of woman. Heavily made up, big-ass lips, freaky Aqua-netted hair, rodeo looking... Anyway, I recognize her because she used to work at Shoppers and I used to buy condoms from her and hated going through her till with condoms because, well, I don't know..... but it just seemed wrong.
So she is sitting there and fucking Mary doesn't come. And THEN, to make it weirder, this woman comes in pushing some old woman in a wheelchair, and they go by the big lipped woman's table (it must be popular with the wheeled set, because some wheel chaired bitches were sitting there before she was) and she says "does she want to sit here?" and the woman pushing the chair says "Oh, are you moving or leaving" like a normal person would say, and bigged lipped bitch says "NO, I just got here and sat down" and then wheel chair pushing woman looks freaked out and pushes Wheels to another table. So I whisper to Rachel "did she want that woman to sit with her?" and we are almost hysterical at this. And then I am looking at the shelf where the "order up" food is, and I am convinced our food is sitting there, but almost 15 minutes passes. I see old Mary goes to the table behind us and I hear the guy almost yell "how long will THAT take?" and she's all "30 seconds!". Anyway, then, she comes up to us after and says "SO! HOW WAS THE MEAL!" and I look at her blankly "Um... we haven't GOT our meal" so she is all "oh!" and then goes and finds out food, which is languishing under the lights, and brings it and is all "So, do you need anything else"? to which I must reply "yes.... CUTLERY!"
She never does serve bigged lipped bimbo, and she storms off in a huff. THEN, Spanish family is getting ready to leave, and "Papa" says something to his granddaugher, like "Lisa, go blah blah blah.... Papa will blah blah blah." But his voice is identical to Tatoo. Rachel almost chokes on her egg salad and goes "TATOO!" which makes me want to pee. And THEN, when we finally leave and I am paying my bill, I notice "NANA" is behind me, and I see a pack of ciggies in her purse, and of course it always freaks me out to see old people smoke, but then I heard her speak. I was trying to weasel by and was doing my high-voiced "excuse me" voice and Papa sees I am trying to bypass so he's all "Valencia!" or whatever and she answers in a voice akin to Patty and Selma. Tattoo and Selma together at last.
Oops, sorry, I took a sweet diversion to have marital relations with my wife. And I have a funny story to tell that came from the post-coital glow. I don't know what we were talking about, but somehow sexual metaphors were spoken and I quoted a line from Carly Simon's "All I want is You", from an album I was going to blog about earlier this week, I shit you not. Anyway, I said that Carlu said the line "All I want is you and your freight train loving jumping me jack... oooh jack...." and said that it was hard to hear it, and that the line was in the fade of the song. Like when the song was ending, so you either had to have headphones on or be really listening for it. But SHE thought i said "that line is in the fate of us all" and she was all "wtf? You really analyze your music way too much." You had to be there I guess - we laughed for like 15 minutes straight after that.
So then tonight, the neighbors came over with the cake, along with another woman we didn't know. It was fun. We are having the neighbor's kids' birthday cake at our house, with the grandma, brother, mama, kid, and their friend. Then I drink wine out of a tupperware cup, stop blogging to have sex with my wife, and then resume my Zellers stories. And you don't believe in my theatre of the absurd? Trust me, that line is in the fate of us all....
over and out,
JT