I really hate that motherf**king Charmin

There, I said it. I really hate that fucking Charmin toilet paper, and I am not ashamed to admit it. Not because it's thin like one ply or anything, or sandpapery rough. No, it's fine in those aspects. The problem is that the motherfucking shit clogs the toilet like lint in a bellybutton. Every frigging time we buy it, I am constantly running from one toilet to the next with a plunger, looking like that freaky old lady on the Old Dutch bleach bottle. And you know, it never fails that we buy it once a year. I usually am quite particular with bum wipe - I am partial to Royalle, and it's not just because my parents always used it, nor the cutsey kitten commercials from my childhood. No, I like it because it's strong, yet soft, and flushes like a motherfucker.
I have always *wanted* to like Charmin - really, I have. Back when I was a wee lad, Charmin wasn't available in Canada, so like all popular products not available in Canada but endlessly flogged on American television as the cat's ass, I just KNEW that Charmin would be the Cadaillac of ass wipe. I remember thinking "if only it was available here, it would be so funny to go and squeeze it in the store." Yes, I guess I was looking for our version of the mythic Mr. Whipple, who kept his eye on his Charmin. I really wanted to squeeze it. I think that Charmin mania had so effectively indoctrinated us as children that we all would squeeze our Canadian ass wipe and then turn away, disappointed and saddened. Indeed, squeezing the Charmin was sort of like a pre-pubescent feeling-up, if you will. Before there was boobies to fantasize about, there was Charmin to squeeze. Actually, you could use the term "squeezing the Charmin" as a colloquial phrase for spanking the monkey: "Ah, squeezin' the charmin againn, are ye laddie? Yar, that will make ye blind and pimply!" If I ever write a book, I'll have to use that line. But I digress.
So, like Clorox bleach, Spaghetti O's, and Bush Beans, Charmin was something in our collective unconscious, but never there for us to access.
So, fast forward 25 years, and Charmin is flowing here like vodka and sleeping pills down Liza Minelli's gullet. And it plugs the motherfucking shit out of my toilets.
Why do I always buy it once a year you ask? Simple: The damned Walmart anniversary sale, which comes once a year and makes me a fool. Each year, you can count on the sale to have the same things: Time, Cascade, Kraft Dinner, and Charmin, all at riddiculously low prices. So, each year, I am all "we can't pass up 5 dollar asswipe!". And each year, I am running around like a plummer after various members of my household scream at the rising waters in our commodes. My joke of "Charmin changed its name to Sponge Wipe - I wonder why!" has grown old fast. Since there are about 12 double rolls left, we gots us some wiping to do before the pipes settle down, and then it will be quiet until next year.
You know, I really hate how some products have changed throughout the years. It just makes life confusing. Remember Libby's beans? You knew what you were getting and what they were called. Then suddenly, they are "Libby's Beans by Heinz", so you have both Heinz beans, yet there is also Libbys Beans by Heinz, and I mean, I don't care if John Kerry himself went and bought every stock in Libbys - keep the name Libby's, and collect the money through Heinz. It's not going to hurt you none.
I won't even comment on new Coke. Oh, and Ivory Liquid. Remember that shit - soft on hands or whatever? It was pearly white and smelled like Ivory bar soap? WELL... I see "Ivory Classic" in the store a few months back, and think "cool, it's the same old shit" and buy it. Well, let me tell you, it ain't the same old shit. Not even close.
Oh, and I am just having a brainwave. Something tells me that when Charmin first came to Canada, they bought out Royalle, and then people hated Charmin and they had to bring Royalle back, and market Charmin separately. Hmmm, that's right..... interesting.
Anyway, enough of that shit. Did I tell you peeps what I found on DVD? Seasons one and two of "Family". Does anyone remember family, with Sada Thompson and Kristy McNicoll, and Meredith Baxter Birney? She lived in the garage or something. I loved that show! However, the mofo dvd is like 50 bucks so I can't bring myself to buy it just yet. But just knowing it's there is a comfort.
And that's the REST of the story!
xo
JT