a Bootleg of sorts

Here is the post I never finished from a few weeks ago. I give it to you now, unedited:

My holidays are coming to a close. I go back to work on Tuesday. I really wish I had another week, but beggars can't be choosers. I've spent the past 9 days eating, drinking, and being merry. I've also watched a lot of retro TV. You see, my kids got a few seasons of Survivor and 2 seasons of Project Runway for Xmas, and my wife got another season of Love Boat, and we've been hooked on watching the latter two shows. I've learned some interesting things watching these shows.

First, Isaac was a fucking STUD. In the past three episodes, the brother was getting it on with his girl Charlene (but he wouldn't accept that his Mama, Pearl Bailey, was getting it on with her man friend in her cabin - it became a whole "it's ok for you but not for me, chile" type of thing.

Then the next episode, Charlene was gone, and Isaac picks up this serious woman who was writing her dissertation on Black History (I guess she went on the cruise to study, because that's all she did when she wasn't getting it from Isaac). This studious girl, who was played by someone from Good Times, I think, was offended by Scatman Curruthers, who doing all this jokey jive stuff. More on that later. Anyway, the NEXT episode we saw tonight was Isaac meeting his favorite singer, a Diana Ross type played by Diane Carroll, and he convinces her to let him come to her room for a drink, and then the next scene has him naked in her bed. I tell ya, the man is a machine. I know that Doc was portrayed as the studly one, but whitey PLEASE - I don't think he EVER saw action from anyone younger than 60. So yeah, Isaac - who knew?

My next observation has to do with Julie. We're watching season one, so you can't really tell that she's a raging cokehead, but I never noticed just how horrid her role was. As a romantic 8 year old, I admit I had a thing for girls with that fluffy blow-dried hair - Donna Pescow, Marsha Strassman from Welcome Back Kotter (seriously, could there be anyone MORE hideous?!), and Julie. However, she comes across all nice and caring, but there was this blind girl on the cruise, who was dating Dezi Arnez Jr., who used to be blind and now could see, but he was engaged to a girl in Mexico and it's a long story, but this poor blind girl would be crying in her coffee on some sad-assed deck and Julie will walk up and say "here is a rose for you from Timmy" or whatever his name is, and then walk away, leaving Blindy all by herself to find her way back to the room. And the decks she was on looked like they were next to the furnace room, so Julie just didn't give a shit.

But then poor Julie wanted Scatman to teach her how to do the "ham bone". the hambone is where you start slapping your thigh and start rhyming with the words ham bone. Like "ham bone, ham bone, Isaac's fine, until he gets herpes for doing the crime" - you know, that kind of thing. Anyway, Julie was slapping her legs and doing the ham bone, and it was really quite sad.

You know, we have a lot to learn from the Love Boat. We really do. Anyhow, I better get out of here and off to bed. Ham bone, ham bone, time to sleep....