Brad Pitt's Holiday Inn

So, I just read somewhere that Brad Pitt is designing an "eco-friendly" hotel highrise in Dubai. Or he's HELPING design it. And this is his quote: "Acting is my profession. Architecture is my passion." Or maybe he said life. I don't know. But I think he said passion. Anyway, it doesn't matter. What does matter is this: It simply irks the everloving fuck out of me when celebrities get all sanctimonious in a grand Oprah-like fashion and pretend that they are some renound expert on something they do not have the skills to speak about or do or practice or whatever.
First, there is the obvious - all these damn actors who pretend they can sing or play music or whatever. They get these record deals, when you know that they couldn't get bus fare busking in front of the liquour store on a payday if they weren't celebrities, but yet we still have to listen to this bullshit stuff and then listen to them talk about their art or their passion for the blues or some such bullshit. We've talked about Willis and Don Johnson here before, and Eddie Murphy's Party All the Time, and what have you. Now, I don't begrudge them in one sense, I guess, because nobody is forcing anyone to buy this shit off the hit parade. But I mean, these actors act all serious about their music, and it's so stupid and such a joke.
Or there are those god-awful children's books by celebs. And I mean, they don't illustrate the fucking things, so where is the motherfucking challenge? And why can't I get a children's book deal? Huh? We accidently bought Jimmy Fallon's book "Snowball Fight" at a Scholastic sale this year. It goes something like this: 'Snowball. Snowball. SNOWBALL FIGHT!" That's about it in a nutshell. Now, I will exempt Carly Simon's children's books from these, because she's Carly and I love her, so fuck off all of you. No, actually, at least her father was Simon from Simon and Schuster (that doesn't look right but whatever), so she at least has been AROUND books before.
And I dig the one Jaime Lee Curtis book (Tell Me ABout the Night I Was Born) because it's about adoption and it always give me a huge lump in my throat when I read it to the kids (this was the book that made daughter number two ask if they had a birth mother). Anyway, it's got substance. I'd say it's worthy of a Caldecott.
But fucking BILLY motherfucking CRYSTAL writing kids books? Give me an everloving break. A bucket of shite, I tell you. And MADONNA? Yeah, she wrote that book. Much in the same way Milli Vanilli sang those songs. Whatever.
But back to Brad Pitt. It's no secret I have issues with him and his vampire woman. But the fact that he is given the folly of designing this building in Dubai, the richest place this side of Fort Mac, is sickening. I image there are thousands of budding Mike Brady's out there, fresh out of architecture school, with 100 grand in student loans, designing garden sheds for a living, while Brad Pitt with the barely earned grade 12 is making some green hotel in the garden of Eden.
Let's turn the tables on me - you know how I have a passion for reading about diseases and viruses, AND how I have always longed to be a medical doctor. It's like me suddenly saying 'well, you know, my ho-hum work in education is a job, but really, medicine is my passion ,and I am going to run up to the hospital and birth some babies." You think people would be happy if I was sitting there in the delivery room, with my hand up an expectent mother's hootchie, yelling "Push against my fingers, Patti. That's it! Push against them! You're crowning!" Somehow, I don't see that being acceptable. Or what if there was a big outbreak of polio or something and since I love me my epidemiology, I said I was mixing up a big vat of vaccine in my bathtub and was going to go immunize children in the mall the next morning? It wouldn't be acceptable for me to do that. So tell me, if you found out Brad Pitt designed the room on the 43rd floor of your hotel, would you feel safe? I mean, he WAS married to Jennifer Aniston, who he never collapsed a building on all those years, so he DOES have a good track record.....
Bollocks. Fucking bollocks.
Also, why the hell is his wife the good-will ambassador for whatever the hell it is she is? I mean, why should Angelina Jolie be the children's ambassador or whatever? Why not some nun who has devoted her life to Jesus and has spent her years in the habit living in the veldt washing lepers and feeding the kids that poi? NO, don't do that - let's make our rep be Angelina Jolie, who a mere 6 or 7 years ago was actively FUCKING Billy Bob, and wearing his blood around her neck, and humping drugged out looking women, and oh, let's not forget, necking with and dry humping her Ziggy Stardust look-alike brother on national television! And let's let her adopt kids from all over! Because nothing says good parenting like adopting and birthing 6 kids in 5 years! Nothing says quality time like that! I mean, look at us - people think we are complete freaks having 4 kids - people fucking STOP us on the street - it happened twice today, I shit you not. And one reason we are sadly probably stopping having babies is that any more than 4, and we will be spread too thin - right now, we each can take two each and handle it. Now, I know little Maddox was an orphan in the jungle and yes, if I was over there and had money I'd want to save them too, but then think about this when you decide to have babies of your own. She ain't no Mia Farrow and never will be. And I don't know how I feel about Mia adopting so many so close together, but I suppose anything to keep you too busy to hump Woody Allen. I mean, please, she was with Woody Allen - something just isn't right there.
So, in closing, count me out of staying in Brad's Dubai hotel. It's the Dubai Delta for me, baby.
And now you know the REST of the story.