Canadian Idol Can Suck my Ass

It's tricky, this summertime business. Not for decisions like what to plant, or where to go for a holiday, or what trendy new summer shoe/clog thing you should buy each year - no, I am talking about television. Whilst I usually have in-between shows to carry me from the end of the normal season to the summer Big Brother bonanza, most notably Canadian Idol, I am just a little too bitter to watch it this year. I understand a new version of the Mole is on, which was a show that I watched way back in the olden days of 6 or 7 years ago, when it was hosted by Anderson Cooper (before he was hip - back when he was an annoying dweeb, and only known for being Gloria Vanderbuilt's son - ah, little Gloria... happy AT LAST!).
Anyway. I don't even really remember much about the Mole, other than they were in Spain or something and they had a contestant named Bribs one year. I'm not shitting you. Bribs. Who names their kid Bribs? He was also white. It's like he was trying to be all down with his name, like a white version of Cribs. Sad, really.
Whatever the hell Bribs was all about, I seemed to have missed the beginning of this year, and I just don't know if I have it in me to start a reality show late again. Nothing says suckyass than coming to the party late, I say. But my one constant, the putrid Canadian Idol, I just can't support this year.
You see, I understand that the dorks who win Canadian Idol haven't a hope in hell of being famous. I understand that their records are the kiss of death. I know that I would rather listen to a medly of piss-poor Canadian content from the 80s rather than anything of theirs. Hell, I'd listen to Bryan Adams' Waking Up the Neighbors, an album I detest more than anything I can think of, than one of their albums. In fact, I'd feel more comfortable having Bryan Adams and Rita Macneil screwing on my livingroom floor, doing serious role play ("That's right, you dirty, hefty Maritimer, it IS a workin' man I am! And I fucked Cookie Rankin in your tea room, too! Don't frown, you like it!" or "Plug me, you scarred face grease monkey! I'll show you the summer of 69, Pocky Boy!" - you get the hideous picture) than listening to that crap. I mean, that guy who one the first season who wore glasses - who the hell is he? Or Kaylan Porter - Canada's answer to Clay Aiken... Then there are the dorks who came after that - the high school bitch from Cowtown, or the other guy - it's all meaningless. However, I still liked watching.
Until now. Let's back up to last year. Each year, in the top 10, there is always someone from Saskatchewan, and someone from Newfoundland. Then there are people from Alberta, B.C., and other places. Now, with the exception of the one year, when the chick from Sask. was pretty good, the "Regional" people are there because their provinces vote for them repeatedly. So, last year, in the Post of the Globe and Mail, I don't remember, a producer from Idol wrote a scathing editorial to viewers in Ontario, angrily telling off Ontario viewers because there was only 1 person from Ontario in the top 10, and there never was anyone from Ontario in the finals, and that shouldn't be because Ontario viewers should be putting their people through, and then he made mention of Sask. and Newfoundland I think and how people are voting regionally and that was destroying the intent and whatever. Sour grapes I thought, because it is just like some Ontario loser to think their people are kings of the world. Well, let me tell you this, you regional dickhead, Ontario is NOT central Canada - you are EASTERN Canada. You aren't the economic centre of Canada - Come west if you want to see a fucking boom, moron. It may be cold in the winter here, but it's not humid in the summer. We can swim in our lakes. Got the picture? Ontario is so 5 minutes ago. And by the way, all your tv shows sucked the rotten knob - King of Kensington? WTF? That was supposed to be funny? Al Waxman, may be rest in peace, was supposed to be the Canadian Everyman? Muthafucka, PLEASE. Smith and Smith? Again, WTF? Riversdale? I can't even go there. Hmmm, but what is the most popular Canadian show right now, that is now airing in the U.S.? oh yeah... Corner Gas.... go figure.
But anyway, fast forward to this year. Canadian Idol is doing the audtions, and it's not like the states where you have to be choosy - you pick the same 10 places and get on with it. And I mean, it's not like Sass Jordan is in demand or anything. Unless you call picking up her drycleaning in Etobicoke next Thursday a pressing event. But no, the Sask. auditions got cancelled this year. You see, they had to go from Winnipeg to Edmonton AND fucking Calgary in a span of a week, and they wanted to be in Cowtown for the Junos. So they cancelled Sask. Not one of the Alta. dates. But Sask. A bunch of people started a boycotting movement. And, I don't blame them. You see, so fucking what if Newfoundland and Sask. vote their people through? If Torontarians are too fucking busy to vote for their bland fucking Gowan wannabe's, so be it - I mean, if I was living in pleasure land like them, I guess I wouldn't vote either, since I'd be so busy NOT watching my dog run away. And why not cancel the Newfie auditions you ask? Easy. Have you ever seen a pissed off newfie? Hells bells, they'd be drunker than usual, hurling bottles at your head, and stuffing cod up your nose and writing angry, drunken sea shanties about you. You just can't do it. And since the image is out there of down and out Newfoundland, the producers let them keep the audition. Well, let me say this publicly - the producers of Canadian Idol, along with Ben Mulroney and the whole entire machinery of that loser show can suck my ass. Until you are ready to recognize Saskatchewan, you can all fuck off.
We shall be free. We shall overcome. Shine on, Saskatchewan.