If Elizabeth is now the star of The View, I'll eat my hat

Good evening, Darlings. Good news: I've passed my crabbiness stone. Oh, it was large and painful in a way that only a metaphorical calcium deposit can be, surging through your metaphorical ureathra (that doesn't look right - how DOES one spell it?), and there is indeed lingering residual crabbiness pieces lurking, but for the most part, it's gone.
I thought yesterday that "today is a new day!" when I got up, but then they released pictures of old Walmart toilet mother, which you may have seen on the National News, and of course, this town being a fishbowl, had every person in my building at work staring compulsively at them, looking at the three pictures, showing her walk into Walmart, then showing her head to the bathroom, and then, 14 minutes later, exiting the store. The pictures are blurry enough to make her look like everyone you possibly could know. So, I was still in a snit about that one, and then I talked to a couple other parents about the VP leaving our school after one year, and got so worked up, I was drafting another angry letter to them in my head, and it went on from there.
But today, well, I am just too tired. My wife and I spent the evening on youtube, watching Rosie and Elizabeth, Another World reunion clips, Hasselhoff spoofs, etc.
Let me just say this, peeps. Barbara Walters should just can that fucking Elizabeth. No, it's not because I don't believe in her politics. Indeed, I often said that they need to bring a tough right wing bitch on there to go at it with Rosie. Rosie earned her chops. And you know, I'd be as Kato as they come if I had the opportunity ("what? You want me to be the personal assistant to Abe Vigoda? And you need me to toilet him and bathe him? Where do I sign!?!"), but fuck me Dorothy, what in the fuck has that Elizabeth done to be on tv? Survivor doesn't make you an important person. Why does Barbara think she's someone we want to listen to? Fuck, put Rosie next to Barbara Amiel or Delta Burke, or some other mouthy right wing woman who has earned her chops. Hell, put her with Kathie-Lee. But Elizabeth? Fuck that shit. Barbara, and ABC, if you are reading this (and I know you secretly are, because I'm worth it), I hope the View folds like a cheap tent. A cheap tent with Elizabeth in it.
So there, rant over. AND WHY does the View have to be only women? Get with the program, Baba - men are people too. Just because I have a penis means I can't be host of your show? What, is it 1950? I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan, honey, and don't you forget it. Maybe I should do some constructive tucking, a la Tootsie, and apply to be on the show - my angle would be that they need a big fat hairy woman from Canada to tell it like is.
Ah well, the View is for bloody wankers now.....
The weekend is going to be spent doing yardwork. We have to plant our garden boxes (once I weed them) and then plant our next door neighbors' entire back yard. They offered it to us this year, so now we have to look after it. This should be interesting. I also need to cut the lawn and weed all the beds. A fun day shall ensue!
I just poured a glass of wine. I am starting a diet again tomorrow I think so I'll have to say goodbye to the sweetest carbs in the world. I love you Jesus Juice - I'll see you in 25 lbs.
Of course, my tummy is empty and rumbly, so this Shiraz will go straight to my head, and I bet you dollars to donuts that I'll be on youtube by morning, eating a burger on the floor.
You want to know something weird? I really crave a cigarette right now. 5 years this July and I want one. How frigging stupid. But, I won't do it again, I promise. This dude in town that I didn't know but I know of his father in law (LOL, I told you this is a fishbowl) died of a massive heart attack on Mother's Day. He was 40. 4 kids. Oldest was like 12 or something, youngest in kindergarten. So, that was a wake up call. Then Brigette (her real name, I can't think of an alias - this woman I've known since grade 10 and how has moved in and out of our lives since then, and now actually has my old job and my old office AND who basically lives across the street from me, told us tonight that she was in McDonalds at Walmart last weekend and this guy, young - our age, had a heart attack in there, and his wife and little kids had to follow him in the car to the hospital, and all of this just scares the living shit out of me, so it's on! It's on! Of course, I would give my right nipple for one last evening of chips and such, but I must get rid of that stupid idea, because otherwise I won't be able to take my shirt off all summer, and with all that global warming that Elizabeth denies, it's gonna be damn hot!
If I was to smoke tonight, I'd request a Marlboro Light Menthol 100. I loved American cigarettes, stink and all. But of course, that's crazy talk, because it's evil. No Stank You. And Margo, if you are dropping ashes on the keyboard as you read this, don't tell me about it.
Anyway, I really don't think I have anything to say.
And sorry for not commenting for the past 2 weeks people. I'll get back on the commenting wagon stat.
Have a good weekend y'all.