point form madness from the prince of badness

This has got to be quick. I really do have to go to bed as it is after 11. I just didn't want to leave you all lonely, since I know you all wait in patience for me to speak, much like people wait for the latest instruction from Oprah about what to read, what to wear, what their new favorite things should be, and what political and social issues they should care about. So, here I am, to appease the people. I think I'll just do this in point form, to keep it to the point:

-- I have to comment on my new cat box. This thing is the Rolls Royce of shit boxes and it will transform the ways in which you approach the pee pees and poo poos that leave your cat's private areas. I haven't really figured out how it works, but what you do is tilt it one way, and then roll it over onto the top (it's a covered thing), and then roll it back, and then you just pull out this drawer, and all the pee pee and poo poo is right in the drawer for you to walk over to the shitter and flush it away, like a bad dream. Let me tell you, it's the coolest thing. If you don't have a cat, then imagine that you or your spouse always had to shit in the same place, like a dresser or something, and then all you had to do was wiggle it around, open the drawer, and flush it away. Now, doesn't that seem practical?

-- Speaking of cat boxes, I picked up one of Jann Arden's journals at Value Village yesterday and in one of the posts she was saying she was going to clean her cat boxes out and then said something about "I usually do it everyday, but....." and I laughed out loud because who the hell is she kidding? That was written for the non-cat people, because us cat people know that you may start out with cleaning it every day, but it never lasts, so she doesn't have to lie. Well, unless you have the cool cat box we do, where you just roll it around and cleaning it is fun. But come on Jann, I call bullshit.

-- So, am I the only one who seems to be watching the Dancing celebrities show? My daughter is in love with it. That Billy Ray Cyrus is the grossest thing I've seen since I dumped the shit drawer on my cat box, I tell you what.

-- I don't know what to think about that one-legged bitch, Paul McCartney's ex, because I feel sorry for her on the Dancing show, and she's just so weird looking. But then she opens her mouth and she's so odd. I don't know, she just reminds me of a robot. I feel bad that I said she needs that wooden leg shoved up her ass that time. I don't know, sometimes I say horrid things.

-- So all I heard today on the news was that Sheryl Crow supposedly was saying we should limit toilet paper use to one square per toilet visit. If this is true, I just want to say that she is never going to get a date again - she'd make Bill Clinton say "No darlin', that's ok, keep your pants on and let's go get us a taco".

-- On Amazing Race, those gross beauty bitches deserve to win now, because stupid.... what are their names... Rauol and Guido.... no....you now, cha cha cha..... anyway, those two guys should have yielded the girls. Everyone is just too stupid for words.

-- OH, I forgot. I had a dream a few nights ago that I was at a party at the house of some friends I haven't spoken to in years, and the lead singer of .38 Special was there, so I went over and was saying how "If I'd Been the One" was one of my favorite songs and it reminded me of grade 8, and ex-girlfriends and life experiences and parties and on and on, and it was all horse shit, but he was eating it up, but then I couldn't think of anything else they sang, and he was so happy I was talking about that song and then I remembered "Teacher Teacher" and I was all "but I hated THAT one" and then I couldn't think of a way to recover and so them I started singing "Second Chance" because I didn't know what else to do. It was so stupid.

-- And sorry Chunks, I beg to differ about Alec Baldwin's parenting. I don't care if his daughter is Bitchy McBitch-Bitch, but you just don't say that shit to a 12 year old on the phone. I sort have always thought that Kim Bassinger was a kook, but I mean, when you are in a 400 year stuggle for custody with your ex, you don't insult her and call the kid all those names. I mean, I know that people say things, but he should know to be careful. Especially since he's a Baldwin and they ALL appear to be crazy. What IS it with them? Why are they all so creepy freaky?

-- And why does Marie Osmond look like a blow up doll?

-- Anyway, it is time for bed. May God bless you all!