Farewell Sweet Jambon, We Hardly Knew Ye

Oh Sweet merciful Jesus, I am so tired right now. Completely and utterly exhausted. However, I can't go to bed just yet because it's only 9:30, so that would be just weird, and then I'd be up at like 3:00 am and then what? And, well, I am waiting for the dryer to be done because the Mrs.' uniform is in the dryer and I need to take it out - did y'all know she wears a uniform to work? Well, she does.
Anyway, I've got a few free moments to kill, and while I would usually be on the treadmill when I finally have downtime, which is where I usually am when I get time lately, tonight I don't have it in me. Also, I fucking oinked out like a motherfucking hillbilly with his head stuck in the molasses pail, and had a grotesque snack after work of about 8 or 9 Hershey's Kisses dipped in peanut butter, and let me tell you, I inhaled those bitches. Then I grabbed I don't know how many jellybeans and sucked them back too, all the while saying "I am eating this shit and I don't feel guilty about it" and then, voila, as soon as I was done, I was all "bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you?" and then had my secret thought that if only I wasn't deathly afraid of vomiting, being the little girlyman wimp that I am, I'd just puke those babies up and call it a day. Oh, don't give me that bulimic lecture, you all know I can tell you about every detail about every time I've puked since I was 5 years old, so no fear there. But yeah, I don't care anymore that I was a pig today and I am too tired to exercise, so whatever, I don't care.
I guess I should tell you all that I am losing weight again - about 30-32 ish lbs. thus far. I don't rightly remember what I weighed to start with. Just doing the usual, eating right and exercising, but the past two weeks have been a bitch because I am not consistent. I am running faster and longer and at more of an incline on my treadmill that I have ever done before, and I feel really good. I am also starting weights, and that, my friends, is a fucking bitch, let me tell you. But whatever, no pain, no gain. Anyway, since I never have a free moment in my day, that's where I've been at night instead of blogging - trying to fit in 3 or 4 days of exercise a week. I hope I keep it up because I want to be healthy for my family. That's the real goal.
I've also been reading lots lately. So many good books on the night table. I highly recommend Jancee Dunn's memoir - I can't remember what the hell it's called. She was a writer for Rolling Stone, but while I hate those smug bastards most of the time, she's not like them. And she's funny. And has funny stories to tell. It's a Chunks kind of book. Read it. And she tells of her notable interviews and we learn about how cool Dolly, Loretta and Stevie are, and what a bitch fucking Jennifer Beals is. She made Jancee cry because she was so evil. And I mean, come on bitch, your claim to fame is "dancing" in Flashdance - oops, that's right, they used a body double..... and that stupid movie with Sting, and then that damned lesbian show where all the sistas now desire you, and you are probably an even bigger bitch, making them all cry because you aren't a sista and rub it in their faces. So, Jennifer Beals, shove it up your ass.
Yowzers, can you tell I am extremely crabby today? I am swearing like an x-rated Flo from tv's Alice, if it had run on SHowtime or HBO. Hey, can you imagine that, if it had run on HBO? How different would it have been? Let's see, Flo would be a drunk and blowing Mel in the kitchen next to the fryolator, Vera would obviously be a methhead and running around like a chicken with no head, Mel would be a gambler in trouble with the mob, little Tommy would be some sort of male hustler type, sleeping with truckers for money to support his heroin habit or something, and Alice would be abusive and in the series finale would shank Mel Torme for not making her a star. Damn, HBO should get on that.
Ok, that was a diversion. I've also been reading this cool book called Down to This, by Shaunessy Bishop-Stall. He goes and lives in "tent city" in Toronto for a year. Freaky, sad stuff. You gotta all read that one too. I am also reading... shit... what's it called... "Stupid to the Last Drop: How Alberta's Oilsands Development is Bringing Environmental Armageddon to the rest of Canada and Doesnt Care" or something like that. It's an eyeopener and freaky shit, and I am seriously worried about all of us. You gotta read that one too - I am only 1/2 done, but have been diverted by the publication of Girls Like Us, which is about, get this: Joni, Carly SImon, and Carole King. Like, you know how I love those ladies! You all know about how Joni is the queen, but did I ever tell you how I am a huge Carly fan? Seriously, she's in the JT top 4, and my second favorite song of all time would probably be her "Touched by the Sun" - go download it and think of me. Anyway, she's so underrated. And when I was a kid, I used to have the fantasy that I was married to her.... LOL I tell too much here, don't I? Anyway, I am excited to have this book in my hands, because you also know about how I love Carole's Tapestry. There are about 5 errors about Saskatchewan in the book thus far, though, so it annoys me, and the writer treats the reader like he/she is semi-retarded by explaining on and on many things about the times, like a really bad undergrad paper by a pompous student, but whatever, the gossip in it is the cat's ass. Read it peoples. You must.
Also, Augusten has a new memoir out this month, or next, and Sedaris this summer, and then the book "Are you there vodka, it's me Chelsea", by some woman named Chelsea, is out this month, and Jennifer Weiner (who wrote Good in Bed, which I implored you all to read a couple years ago, and who actually answered my email) said she writes like Judy Blume - if Judy took Ecstasy and slept with midgets and 19 year olds - and so if that wont' get the old JT endorsement to read, nothing will. So anyway, too many books, too little time.
So yeah, that's about all my excitement. Oh, I also turned 38 years old two weeks ago. It snuck up on me, and it was during a hectic week, so I didn't have time to sit and stew about getting old. You see, me and the three kids all had this weird cold bug. Let's back up to Easter weekend. Wait, lets back up to the week leading up to Good Friday. Daughter #1 gets a fever, which was weird, so she misses 3 days of school. Starts to feel better a bit by Friday. The night before Good Friday, daughter #2 (I hate using their real names, so let's use numbers until I think of fake names again) starts coughing violently that night, and I almost take her to the hospital because it's a bark like what I imagine the croup to sound like. She even throws up from coughing. Scary stuff. I take her to the walk-in on Good Friday, we line up to get in, and he says it probably was the croup, gives her some steroids and shit, and whatever. It doesn't do much and I figure out days later it's a virus. But anyway, we aren't getting sleep because of her coughing and then on Easter Sunday, #1 starts crying because her ear hurts. So we figure out "aha!" she has an ear infection, which explains the days of the fever. So I take her to the walk in and get a fucking quack. I should have known better. So I explain it all and she's in pain from the ear and it doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to diagnose an ear infection but NO, he can't see her ear drum because she has wax in her ear so he FLUSHES the wax out, which makes her freak out in pain, and I know that my doctor has told us never to flush ears when they might be infected because you might burst the drum. i should have stopped the asshole. But he then goes "oh, it's infected!" and gives us ear drops. Even after I just finished reading, in the waiting room, an article on ear infections and how if they are accompanied by fever, they must be treated with oral antibiotics. So, I am spitting mad. And then by that evening, she's crying, so I yank her away from the supper table, rush to another walk in right before close, and lo and behold the doctor there is all "OMG, it's so infected" and gives up the antibiotics. Then, two days later, it's my birthday and I am in the city for a meeting so I dont' get home until like 7 and as soon as I do I have to take #3 in because she is complaining of her ear - we wait forever and.... it's infected. On Thursday, I am in the doctor's office..... with an ear infection. Freaky, because they aren't catchy! Isn't that fucking weird????? FREAKY ASS SHIT!
So, we are all almost recovered from that, but #1 and #2 have been, in addition to their regular ballet class, been doing a duet for dance competitions. Their teacher picked them, and they do the cutest little duet - one is the tooth fairy and the other a little girl losing her tooth. It's precious, there is no other word for it. And so we go to our first dance competition this weekend, in a town 100 kms south of Saskatoon, and have to be there at 8:30 in the morning. So I am worried about them competing and pulling it off, and then the week after we go twice to another town about 120 kms east of here, once on Friday and then on Sunday, and then the week after, we do a competition here. I am stressed out! So yeah, I am tired.....
OH! Before I forget, let me tell you the ham story. So, have I ever mentioned how I hated ham? I have always hated it, except for on pizza, but at Christmas I tried this ham that my inlaws had - this one from Costco, which was pre-sliced and glazed and falling off the bone and so fucking awesome I could cry. Well, i ate enough of that to give my body enough salt to keep me afloat in the Mississippi if ever I was set adrift, and so a couple Costco trips back, I spent like 25 bucks and bought this ham. And then I had to tell everyone who would listen that I bought a ham because everyone knows I didnt' like ham before. But then Easter is rolling on by and my inlaws wanted someone to pick up a ham if they were in the city, and so I offered my ham, because really, I wasn't going to eat a whole ham anyway. So I anticipate Easter and ham, along with the turkey, and we keep saying we have to drop the ham at their house. Well, the ham is sitting in the fridge in my garage, and so one night we were coming home from somewhere, I can't remember where, and the Mrs. says she will drop us off, and then grab the ham and go to her folks so they can have it. Well, I walk in the house, let the dogs out of the garage, and instead of running for the back door like usual, they run for the water dish. I say "gee, I wonder if they ate the ham, hahahaha" and then bolt to the garage, where, lo and behold, the little shits have opened the fridge door. So then I see the ham on the floor, with a little hole in the plastic and one side gnawed on. Well, I freak on the stupid jerks and scare the crap out of them, and of course everyone thinks it is so funny that they broke into the fridge and ate the prized ham that I was making such a big deal about. So, I picked it off the floor and just threw it back in the fridge. After consulting a gaggle of people, I decide to cut it in half, and keep the one untouched by dogs and eat it, just for us, because it didn't touch dog and was wrapped and it would be cooked, and the thought didn't bother me, although I know if i said that to certain people, they'd throw up in their mouths. But whatever, it's my ham, so goonie-goo-goo, bitch. Well, fast forward a day. Everyone keeps saying to watch the dogs because ham can kill them somehow, I still dont' get it, but they seem ok. It was a cooked ham, so it wasn't like raw or anything. But I guess ham can kill them because..... oh hell, i honestly don't remember. But the next night, we go out, so I barracade the fridge, and come home a few hours later... dogs go for the dish, I go to the garage, the barracade is down, the fridge is open, the fucking ham is on the floor. So, the long and the short of it is that I have to keep a fucking bench propped against the garage fridge or they get kenneled when we go out instead of roaming in the garage. Stupid bitches. And so I am hamless. i guess I just wasnt meant to eat from the succulent loins of sweet pigs.
OH! And on a different note altogether: i almost forgot - you know how James Taylor is my favorite male singer? James, who used to date Joni and was married to Carly? Remember, we named our second daughter after him? Her middle name is Taylor after him. Anyway, I own like I don't know - 4 different concerts of his, and they always make me bawl each time I see him sing Sweet Baby James. And when daughter #1 was a baby, her favorite song was Only One and that was the only thing that kept her quiet and when we drove to the coast with her, we literally listened to the That's Why I'm Here cd the entire way to keep her happy. And my JT moniker comes from him. So he means a lot to me. And I always said one day if we ever had spare money and time, I would like to go to the states to see him on his summer tours. Well, he's coming to Canada this summer.... with a Saskatoon date... AND I HAVE 4TH ROW FLOOR TICKETS!!!!!! HURR-FUCKING-RAH!!!!!!!!! I can't even believe it....... I'll have an emotional breakdown if he does Only One or That's Why I'm Here, and when he does Sweet Baby James, I'll need to be carried out of there. OH! And if he does "You Can Close Your Eyes" I'll really be mental because that was #2's song when she was a baby and I'd sing her to sleep with it.... Oh man, stocking up on kleenex's already.....
Don't mention Big Brother to me, I didn't watch tonight's - it's taped. But damn, after seeing all of the behind the scenes footage, I have no respect for any of them. Did all of you see them all making out with each other in the pool? Or Natalie topless with cool whip on her boobs, writhing on the floor and everyone licking the cool whip off? Or did you know she was blowing Matty in the bed all the time and he was so happy because he never even had to kiss her? Or did you see any of the clips of James as a gay porn star? It all disturbed me so much, because even boring Sharon was making out with each guy. They are all sleezy and need to be slapped and I am ashamed for all of them. LOL, can you tell I am getting old?
8.5 weeks until baby - stay tuned!
Ok, too tired, gonna go read some more of something. Y'all come back now, y'hear?