I'm more of a Gretzky, with Lemieux looks, but call me what you will

Well yes, I am finally posting. I just haven't felt like it, you know? I guess because it's the holidays and all, and that's how it always is. But then I always sort of feel like I should be writing something. I don't know. It just feels good to write, even when you say nothing. Hey, isn't that an old country song?
Anyway, I don't know how good this will work out because the "E" on my laptop is sticking. Sort of like that letter sticking on the typewriter on the Brady Bunch, when Alice or someone was sending Jan shit in the mail because she was a middle child - tell me you know what in the hell I am talking about....
Ok, Coles notes version of the holidays - they were wonderful. Everything went too quick, but otherwise it was great. Not stressful at all, really. We actually had our shit together. The kids loved all their presents. We went overboard, by accident. We just kept finding shit they would love, so we had to buy it, because usually we are all "what the hell are we going to get them?" They got their High School Musical barbies, and a shitload of dvds and a shitload of games, and a shitload of books and a shitload of clothes, and Hooked on Phonics, and Fisher Price stuff, and dolls and God knows what else.... And the piano - I completely suprised Rachel! It was priceless. The thing was sitting in a box at my parents' place, and so Rachel's dad said we'd pick it up on Xmas Eve and take it to our house and set it up. We were at their place for supper that night because her uncles Pete and Repeat were there, and right after we ate, her mom goes, "oh Hon, get JT to help you move that fridge at the building" (they are caretakers of this seniors place down the road from them). So then he says some long story about this new fridge in the common room that has to be moved because of some non-existent xmas event, and so we go and pick it up, bring it to our house, and then set it up in the book room in the basement. THEN, we go back and since we took so long we invented a story about a broken hose on the second floor washer at the building and Rachel was all "good thing you were there!". So I wanted to move the piano out to the tree area but my damn wife wouldn't go to bed, and since I was feeling amorous and was trying my smooth moves, I thought fuck it, so I came up with another plan. I had tried in vain all week to buy her the Daughtry cd because it's the only cd she has ever said she wanted in years, but that bitch was always sold out. So in desparation, I bought her season one of Kathy Griffin and put it in a box, with a note from Santa saying that her other present was in the bookroom because I didnt have time to wrap it. Everyone loved it. So that's good. It's still sitting there because the tree hasn't come down yet. Hopefully tomorrow. The upstairs one came down yesterday, but we've been too busy to take the other one down.
Anyway, speaking of Daughtry, I started growing this Daughtry type beard for shits and giggles. Actually, I was shaving, and since I hate shaving almost as much as I hate flossing, I had this fucking hillbilly face already, so I just left this Daughtry thing on my jawline to make the Mrs. laugh, but I still have it, because I think it somehow makes my face look less fat somehow. I dont think I'll keep it, but you gotta do something different for the holidays. I keep serenading her with Daughtry songs too, and it hasn't gotten old yet, but it will in a day or two.... You know when the joke gets old.
What else... OH! You will never believe this shit - You will NEVER in a million years guess what I have done! SOmething I swore I'd never be able to do, or would attempt to do. I have gone skating. I shit you not.
You see, daughter #1 got skates for Xmas and one of those skating pushing thingies for kids from Santa, because her class is going skating each week after xmas, and because she's always so nervous and weird about new shit like that and weepy about it, we wanted to get her out there and make it a positive thing before she had to go with school. So I told the kids I would learn to skate with them. You see, as I've lamented here before, I am one of only a few Canadian men who cannot skate. But it's not my fault! I lived in BC until I was 12, and we seriously had no ice. Nobody in my class played hockey even. In the winter, boys just played soccer in the rain every day. Once, the big puddle in the back alley, by the blackberry bushes and the neighbor's compost heap, froze over, so my sister took her figure skates, stuffed them with socks, and put me on the ice on the puddle, but that was the only time I was on the ice.
So, Boxing Day, since I wanted to keep my promise to my pumpkins, I went to Zellers and bought the last pair of skates there. Then we went skating - the kids did great - daughter #2 is a natural, and #1 did great too. It took me probably 20 minutes until I could get on the ice. I actually ended up using the kids' skating pusher thingy. Then we went today again, and I can go by myself. Not fast. Nothing fancy. But I was out there with them for an hour. Didn't fall once, stayed sort of close to the side so I could grab the chainlink fencing (don't ask me to explain the set-up because it's complicated - there is a hockey rink, with boards and chainlink around it, with just plain old ice outside of that...), but I did it. Felt like my legs and feet were going to fall off. But I did it. And I can't wait to go again. And each time I tell the girls I am proud of them, they tell me they are proud of me. So I am glad I came through for them and tried it. Of course, now all the jokes are that I will be playing hockey soon. And motherfucker, I have a newfound appreciation for hockey players now. Seriously. How those guys can fucking skate and hold a stick and move fast and shoot a fucking puck and beat the snot out of each other, well... I am envious. Seriously, I have a respect for them now. Watch, I'll be on some oldtimer team by the time I am 50....
What else..... My kids have been up late the entire holidays. We've been sleeping in, but still, we are all out of whack. I told the girls we'll go to the library tomorrow if it's open ( we haven't been for a year or so and I think it had something to do with like a billion dollars of fines we had, but I'll suck it up) and that we'd go skating, so that sounds like a nice Sunday.
What else... OH. Remember my friend, "Ruby", my oldest friend in the world, from B.C., who I found out last Xmas that she was a drug addict and on the street? Well, I heard from her. It was worse than I even imagined. I can't even describe it. Email me and I'll send you the more detailed story. I am so nervous for her - sober 6 months, but it's gonna be hard. It was crack, heroin, prostitution, organized crime, jail, craziness, violence.... I can't even comprehend. But as I told her, she's lived through this shit, so she's gotta be here for a reason.
So today we drove by that house again. I am starting to hate it because I feel guilty even talking about it. And we just got another compliment from this oddball friend of my brother in law, who was at our house this summer. He was really drunk, and said our yard was the nicest he's ever seen, the most kid-friendly. Well, apparently, he must have remembered it because he told my bro in law the other day again that our yard was the nicest he's ever seen. And motherfucker, he is right. We've got a nice sized deck off our kitchen, with our natural gas BBQ on it, and a built in bench around it, and a slide that comes off of it, and goes directly into the sandbox below. Then we have a deck next to the sandbox, and the sandbox is huge, with the swingset in it too. Then we have the playhouse next to that. And the trampoline next to that. And then two garden boxes for my veggies, and my raspberry bushes, and then the plants that line the entire side of our yard, and don't forget the view of the North Saskatchewan River from my deck. So, that old shitty house with the 4th bedroom doesn't compare. I think I need to see it to rule it out though. Why is it still bugging us? I don't know.... Because, bitch, if I had to go back to carpet, I'd throw up in my mouth. Oh fuck. Screw that old piece of shit, I just realized it has no central vac even. I ain't going back to Compton, fuck that bullshit.
Oh what else.... I realize this must be horribly boring. I just had a glass of wine and I feel it sorta - that tired, tingly feeling, you know what I mean. My father in law gave me shit and told me he was getting me pissed this xmas because I always buy this booze at xmas and don't drink it, and so he hauled out the pomegranite liquor from last year (that cost me more than I want to think about) and the Lychee Liquor, and the Blue Bols from a few years ago.. so I bought some cream de cacao to make Blue Nuns (do you remember those Margo my dear?). You take a shot of cream de cacao, and a shot of blue Bols, and then add milk, and it tastes like fucking cookies. That's as close as I can describe it. We used to drink those at Bourbon Street (a bar that is long gone). Anyway, they are so good. You have to try it. I also bought a bottle of... hmmm... what is it called... Trocken something or other... cheap Canadian sparkling dry wine, which you are supposed to mix with the pomegranite shit. Haven't had that this year either, but if any of you come to town, we will be well stocked, I suppose. I hope booze never goes bad, because all I ever go through is wine, and that's because I always use the whole "it's good for the heart" thing - everything else I turn my nose down at. I'm such a judgmental loser.
Well, I guess I should get my sorry butt to bed. I really have nothing to read right now. Fuck, we need a good bookstore in this one horse town.
Perhaps I should color my front teeth in with black washable marker and throw on one of the kids' skating helmuts and a jockstrap and ask the Mrs. if she's ever slept with a hockey player? You think that would work? No? Well, it's worth a shot!
hehehe.... have a good Sunday peeps. Say a silent prayer that my library fines are under 50 bucks.... and I ain't joking peeps, it was a billion books that sat here for a few seasons because we drove the 10 blocks to the fucking library - stupid arsehole I am, I know.....