Theologian Kevin is in da house! Welcome to Hollywood BABY!

In a way as in a way as that's not right guy must leave for work now open by by could the buy not could the buy goodbye a leader who didn't

The above words were said by Margo with her brilliant voice recognition software. I wonder what in the hell she was trying to say. She's a deep girl, that one, even though she could not buy the buy, and had to say goodbye to the leader who didn't..... I did figure out the software was calling her dog Anacin instead of Addison. I think I figured out she was saying the dog wanted in and she was asking Rochelle to let the dog in, and the "dole" dog wouldn't come in.... but I dunno who theologian Kevin is. Check it out at http://agirlandherhammer.blogspot.com/ -- it will do a body good.
You know what I realized today? You are not considered cool when you are driving in your Dodge Caravan listening to Kim Carnes' Greatest Hits. In grade 8, I bought a 45 for her song "Invisible Hands" and I was quite excited to realize I had this greatest hits the other day (I sometimes have no idea what in the hell I actually own) and immediately searched for the song. Well, the chorus still sounds really good, but holy mother of fucking pearl, parts of the song are so cheesy. It's got these keyboard parts that make it sound like some outtake of Fame, where they break out those keyboards that look like guitars and off they go, playing them like they are gay Eddie Van Halen's, all decked out in yellow. And then I was listening to "Bette Davis Eyes" and glanced at the lyric sheet and realized yet again that for 25 years I have been singing "All the boys think she's a SPAZ" when really it is supposed to be "spy". I like spaz better. Remember my Hotel California and the "on the dark desert highway/combing my hair" thing? I still sing that.
Yes, call me a dork. Call me whatever you want. Theologian Kevin has faith in me. I can still sing the rhymes faster than an Indian on a trampoline (anyone remember that one?). Fuck me Dorothy. Or scare me. Or something. Anyway, in the words of Paula Abdul, it is what it is, and it's brilliant.
So the diet went to sheep shit tonight. I was doing so well, but we had our friends "Sebastian and Eliza" over for dinner, with their daughter "Ina" and we made homeade pizzas and I had 3 pieces, 2 helpings of Greek Salad, plus some cake, and then not one, not two, but THREE of these cream cheese chocolate cupcakes. Plus, I had two glasses of wine, and now I am killing the other glass left in the bottle. But tomorrow is another day, peeps. I don't know if I have even lost any weight, but I feel smaller, so whatever. I may just have one more of those cupcakes because that's how I roll.
So anyway, Devo apparently didn't like commenting here which freaked the ever-loving shitaki out of me, because I mean, someone who repeatedly says "fuck me Dorothy" and can't even remember where that came from obviously needs mental help. Yes, you will see me on Intervention one night, scrawling hip buzz words all over my walls and calling myself Theologian Kevin.
What else - Chunks had an erotic dream about a woman which she bravely posted about. But you know, I don't get the whole thing about guys thinking it's hot watching two women together, because it does sweet tweet for me - I mean, it's threatening in a way, because obviously they ain't needing a penis in the mix, so I don't know why the popularity. I don't think lesbians sit around going "oh, a straight couple copulating... now THAT'S hot!" Call me crazy - that's just the one man ramblings of Theologian Kevin.
You want to know something odd? I know a woman named Albertine and a woman named Marcelline. I am not making this up. WTF? What next? A woman named Oscarette moving into the hood? Sweet everloving Bessie, those are two of the ugliest names this side of Ethel.
Ok, I have a funny to share with you, and this will prove I have a sense of humour about my Joan. Joni was in the paper because of this award she got, and there was this picture of her, and Sharon takes one look at it and says "oh, Tom Petty!" and we laughed like banshees. But really, there was a resemblance. But she's still a foxy mama, don't get me wrong.
Chunks, what did you think of Clouds? I am not really a Clouds fan, although I love Chelsea Morning (almost named one of the kids Chelsea because of the song - I love the line "the sun poured in like butterscotch and clung to all my senses" - or something like that - this wine just went to my head and I feel a little drunk right about now. Now Chunks, I am not turning into a nighttime drinker/drunk like Murphy's husband, nor am I turning into a Kahlua hootchie Mama like your mama (your mama ain't a hootchie mama, but I just wanted to use the phrase), nor a dopey, slurring spectacle like my mama after a handful of her evening cocktails. Rather, I've been dieting for weeks and just needed to finish the wine since one of the kids did something with the cork from the bottle (I think it was attached to the fridge by gluestick from one of the kids at some point), so chill out, honeychile - tomorrow is back to liters of water, oatmeal, and wineless evenings. Because that's the way Theologian Kevin rolls.
I talked to Margo tonight who sounded a little tipsy-wipsy too, methinks. Bitch is thinking of buying this expensive house, and although I am more cautious, I say follow your bliss mofo - whatever turns your dial and drives you wild. So buy the house honey. Her lovely woman Rochelle was reading Augusten in the background and laughing, which automatically makes me love her, because y'all know how i love me someone who gets Augusten. So let me get all tipsy talky and say I love ya man. I still remember the first time I got the "I love you mans" as a teenager. Remember Margo? We were in your Nova, listening to either Motley Crue's Theatre of Pain or Duran's self titled album with Planet Earth, and we had Claude St. whatever with us, and made him pour most of his 26 of vodka in our big gulp, and instead of sharing it with everyone, I drank the whole fucking thing, and we went to McDonalds and it hit me and I was all "no, really, I just have to tell you all how much I love you man!" Ah, good times. Anyway honey, glad you found yourself a keeper. That bitch you obsessed about for those years was just a waste of skin. She's just a dork from Luseland. Remember that. Rochelle is the real deal. She can cook, she's cute, likes good books, loves Kim and Aggie, and can maneover your moods. Just get her to stop smoking.
Ok, call me Stephen Harper conservative, but I just don't think Shrek is all that appropriate for my children. I am watching the commercial right now for the new movie, and it's just too much. Make a movie for kids, and fuck the parents. Yes, I know, the "knowing" jokes are cute, but really, as parents we should just suck it up and watch lame kid jokes. That should be a sex ed talk for your children - you think you are old enough to have sex? Well, are you mature enough to watch 14 hours of Treehouse a day?? Because let me tell you, after watching those bitches Tansey and Trixabelle or whatever the fuck her name is, on Treehouse, over and over again, you need to know what you are getting into. One day, when Rachel was on her mat leave with Kristen, I came home, and she said to me, "Today on Caillou....." and then we stared at each other in horror and collapsed in a fit of laughter. But you know I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my kids more than life, and I get sad thinking that our procreating days will end one day soon, because we can maybe afford one more, but we have to stop sometime, don't we? Unless we win a lottery and have kids into our 50s like we are fucking Adrienne Barbeau or some such weirdness.
Hey, Chunks, I read the Tatum O'Neal book - lemme know what you think.
I have nothing of any value to say, but I just don't feel like going to bed - also, I found another glass of wine via the box of wine left in the garage.
My secretary was trying to quit smoking today - she went two days and then broke down, borrowed a smoke from someone, and almost passed out. I totally relate to how fun and rewarding it was, but it ain't worth it. Devo, do you smoke? Have you smoked? Chunks, what brand did you smoke? Margs, what does Rochelle smoke? It will be 5 years in July since I quit. I can't wait to pass that milestone. Nobody believed I could do it or would do it. I showed them, and for times when I crave it like a mofo, I think of the naysayers and flip them the bird in my head.
You know what song I hate? Black Velvet. Watching American Idol right now and everyone is singing it this year. Margo used to love it.
My wife just woke up from the cough and said "ARE YOU TAPING THIS"? Scared the everloving hell out of me. So, I leave you now. Theologian Kevin wishes you all happiness and love for your Thursday.
Peace out.
xo JT