Oscar Post-Mortem, JT Style - Word to your mother

So here I sit, watching last night's Amazing Race, drinking a heaping glass of wine and eating a big honkin' bag of chips. Because that's how I roll. Did great on the diet all day, but tonight, well, fuck it, as the kids today say. I mean, tomorrow's another day, and I got all my fiber in today, so that means something. Since I always have slight cholesterol issues, I am really intent on getting my 25-30 grams of fiber done in a day, and damned if I didn't do it today. Of course, I was on the crapper twice and I am farting like Goldie Hawn after a night of malt liquor with her ex-son-in-law, but still, I did it. And the gas will go away once I am accustomed to the fiber. It was quite easy actually. I have my high fiber oatmeal for breakfast, which is 5 grams, and then my OJ with fiber, which is 3 grams, and then my All Bran snacks, which is another 5, and then at lunch I had toast, which was 6 grams, and then this Healthy Request Bean and Veggie soup, which was 8 grams, and then I had an apple and an orange. So it's all good. Anyway, my main problem is that I am allergic to something right now. I'd say it's one of my pets, since they are probably shedding lots of allergens now that spring will be here soon, but my eyes are itching when I am not home too, so I don't know. All I can say is that I am going to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife soon enough.
Anyway, I was going to ramble on tonight, but I am going to keep this short. However, I need to comment on the Oscars, since that is probably the thing all the hip bloggers are doing, and as you know, I am all about hipness - it's how I roll (y'all like how I stole Rox's catchphrase and use it as my own? Wicked!).
So, back in the day, I actually liked to watch the Oscars, even though I never see any of the movies. And this year, I wanted to watch because my girl Ellen was hosting. I don't care how much Rosie doesn't like her, I still love my Ellen like a mofo. This all goes to show you that Rosie doesn't wield the power that Oprah has. You see, when Oprah doesn't like someone, like James Frey, she just turns crazy and all her minions follow suit and write in saying how James Frey shook their faith in humanity and such - you know, all those old bitches comparing James Frey lying to literary rape and such. However, when Rosie does the same thing, it doesn't stick. I'm more like "I love ya Ro, but your issues with Ellen are your own issues, so suck it up buttercup" or "gee, Tom Selleck is nice overall, so where do I buy me a gun?".
Anyway, I watched for Ellen alone. However, let me say, the whole thing, while Ellen was fine, was much ado about nothing. The whole thing just takes itself too seriously. I mean, after 4 hours, you would think there could be at least an exciting moment, like in the old days when people would streak or Vanessa Redgrave would be booed for being a communist, or Brando would have an Indian holding an ear of corn accept his award. But Noooo, this sanitized, liberal bent Bruce Villanch scripted drivel sucked ass. Boring, squeaky-clean ass. Politically correct, hypocritical ass. What the Oscars need to do is get rid of that fucking (yes, I am saying fucking, because I am now beyond PC, I have finally realized) Bruce Villanch and his jokes. Dude, you weren't funny on Hollywood Squares, and while your PC liberal stuff might have been funny when Whoopi Goldberg was doing that schtick 10 years ago, it's lame-o now. From one fatty to another, lose 3 or 4 stone (I dunno what that equates too, but I wanna be British tonight), cut that frigging mop you call hair, and get yourself laid. Yes, I know it may be difficult, because your world probably hasn't been rocked since about 1983, and you are a hard sell for the gay community with your Big Bird slovenly look, but figure it out - your bitterness and your lame liberal jokes are old and are a result of your stifled sexuality. So, get jiggy with something other than old issues of Field and Stream and perhaps your outlook will change. I swear to God, when I saw your name at the end of the awards for yet another year, the light bulb went off and I had an "aha" moment Oprah is always talking about. It's like part of the secret, or whatever the hell it is that Oprah is hawking now.
Anyway, they need to get rid of those lame-o writers. And you know, switch it up - everyone expects the usual liberal joke stuff from Hollywood. So like, do something unexpected, and make jokes at your expense.
You know, being the mallable media baby who is swayed by everything I hear, I am all freaked out about the environment. Actually, I always have been. However, it's freaking me out more than ever now, and I am all for radical change, at the cost of the economy if need be. HOWEVER....
HOWEVER...... I resent being told all this bullshit by Leo DiCaprio. Who the fuck are you, you model-fucking, poker-playing bastard? He's up there, kissing Al Gore's ass (I love Gore, don't worry), and I mean, the whole system is screwed. It shouldn't be Leo up there, with him, getting accolades - it should be David Suzuki or somebody. Not Leo. SO yeah, the system is screwed. And then Leo is talking about how the Oscars have gone "green" and to log onto the website to see how easy it was for them to be green and everyone clapped like he was shitting Fabrege Eggs for Ethiopian orphans or something, but I mean, what in the hell is so wonderful about Leo proclaiming the awards are green? And so all of Hollywood is applauding but are they green? If they are so green, why did they all arrive in limos? Why didn't they arrive in smart cars if they are so green? Or hell, carpool. That would be green for their smog-infested city. But no, that never happened. It would also be green if they could have saved on child labor for the gowns and bought off the rack at Target. That's what I would have loved to have seen. But no, they don't practice what they preach. Assholes.
The rest of the thing was just boring. I was happy Jennifer Hudson won, but her speech and outfit weren't good fits, either of them. Then there was Nicole Kidman, who I now think is the creepiest looking person in Hollywood. She was wearing a dress that made Bjork look like Barbara Bush. It was just this dress with this freaky-ass bow thing that looked like it was coming out of her neck. And her face has this gross Renee Zellweger wrinkly thing happening - her head AND neck. Just fucking creepy. And I had no idea what in the hell Helen Mirren or however you spell it was saying in her speech. And Scorcese, God love him, looks like he is wearing a fake nose and glasses and eye brows. As you can tell, I am not spell checking the names, because I don't care enough.
And Ben Mulroney, well, he's an embarrassment to Canada on the red carpet. I'd rather watch Melissa Rivers. Ok, I am lying, but still, you can tell they have no idea who he is or why they should talk to him.
And while I am being callous, I love Melissa Ethridge, and her speech was great. But again, it was just so.... expected, her speech. But I love her, although Dreamgirls should have won.
Ok, and Jada and Will annoy me to no end. There, I said it. I am a horrible person.
And I hate when the nominees give a standing ovation to the winner of their category. I'd like them better if you saw them mouthing "fucker" or "I was robbed" or rolled their eyes or something. Or stomped off into their smart cars.
Anyway, that's all I have to say from the red carpet. Now if you excuse me, Joan Rivers and I are meeting for lunch at Spago and then we are getting some Botox done, and then Ben Mulroney and I are having a tanning party at a salon, and then Leo and I are going door to door to recycle for peace or something. Anyway, it's a busy day tomorrow and us Hollywood whores have to look pretty, you know.
Give em hell tomorrow, everyone.
Yours,
JT Dicaprio Villanch Mirren Bogdonovitch, Red Carpet commentator and pundent.