crazy like a flipping loon, i am

-- Hey hey hey y'all, I'm here to bring sexy BACK, motherfuckers! Yeah! Ok, so I really am not that hyper and have nothing to say, but I thought I would try to pump it up a bit. But I can't get that damn SexyBack out of the ole noggin tonight. It is just driving me crazy because I can't stop singing it over and over in my head.
You know what other song I sort of really am addicted to? "Maneater" by Nelly Furtado, although I have mixed feelings about her. You remember when she had that first album and she was all "I'm like a bird, y'all" and whatever, it wasn't really my cup of tea, that song, although I liked Margo's version with the whole "I don't know where my HOLE is....". I was more partial to "Turn out the Light", the second single, but whatever, she really didn't mean anything to me. Then she did that follow up with the lead single "Powerless" and I have to say that I was VERY impressed with that song and I liked how she just stuck it to the man for, what was it, whitening her color and all that shit in the magazines and I loved the "You tell em, sister!" line of "because this life is too short to live it just for you, so say what you want" and it was a big ass kiss off to the media and the man, and, as Joni says it "the star maker machinery behind the popular song." ANyway, the album tanked, and so I was intrigued to hear she was hooked up with Timbaland or whoever the hell it was with this new album. But, you know, it sort of left a bad taste in my mouth with the whole "Promiscuous Girl" thing because I mean, it's so not her, and it's like she just knew it would get her on the charts, but it sort of compromises everything she just claimed she was about in the last album. I am in no means saying anything, because if you could promise me a hit record, I'd fucking sing about how I love to suck the toes of gay albino midgets with leprosy or do a rap about how I masturbate to pictures of Phyllis Diller without her make-up on riding Merv Griffin with a full face of make-up with Alex Trebeck narrating some dirty talk, while Dyan Cannon strokes her Waddle in time with their love noise, so please, don't get me wrong. I so would be a pop star, current trend whore. I don't blame her for doing the whole dancy, sex singing thing. But it suprises me. And sort of bores me. And sort of lets me down a bit. But again, I'd sell out if I could too. And the maneater song is catchy, catchier than promiscuous girl, because that one was really a lame-o (notice I am tired and not using capitals and quotation marks? I'm a dirty little monkey, aren't I?)
Anyway, it all brings us back again to Bryan Adams. I know I have complained here before about Mr. Adams, but let me say this: I really don't care for anything much of his. I have a soft spot for the Cuts Like a Knife album for sentimental reasons, but Reckless, other than Run to You, I can totally forget, and I downright hate pretty much all of it after that, except for Into the Fire. Anyone remember that one? WELL, lemme talk about it quickly. This was the one where he was all "SERIOUS" - trying to be all Peter Gabriel and U2 like. It was serious, and tried to be thought provoking, and had a couple of his best singles overall, "Heat of the night" and "Hearts on fire" and the title track. Anyway, the serious thing wasn't a good fit at first, and the album sold disappointly and I sort of likened it to Michael J. Fox from when he went from Back to the Future to Light of Day and the Vietnam movie - it didn't work and was sort of painful to watch. BUT you know, Bryan might have been really good if he didn't sell out and do bullshit like 18 til I die. But he sold out and again, I can't blame him. As Joni sang, they got him "used to that clean white linen and that fancy french cologne." And while I would probably do the same thing, it was a disappointment. Just like Nelly. But rock on Nelly, rake in the bucks. As Joni sang, I hope you "are gonna make a lot of money, and gonna quit this crazy scene."
Wow, that was a whole bunch of nothing, wasn't it?
Chunks mentioned in her blog tonight about Heather Mills, and I was mean and commented that I wanted to shove her wooden leg up her arse, or club her with it like the seals she was trying to protect. But really, that's mean, and I don't believe in clubbing seals, so good on old hobalong for trying to protect those cute little things. And I mean, nobody had a gun to Paul's head and said "marry this one legged porn star, Sir Paul." So whatever. And everyone hated Linda and was mean to the poor women until she died, and that was terrible. So I have nothing else to say about the gold-digger and the horny old Beatle. Well, other than I just realized I really do love so much of the post-Beatle Paul stuff. I love Band on the Run, and Jet, and hells bells, even Spies Like Us, and I hated it at the time but I now am sentimentally attached to "No More Lonely Nights" (even the dance mix) and I admit I have downloaded the silly song "So Bad". And I love Silly Love Songs, and Maybe I'm Amazed, and "Say, Say, Say" and I could go on and on. So while it's always cool to say John was your favorite Beatle for his solo stuff, Paul really has such a huge batch of magic, and he gets the short end of the stick so much.
Now Ringo, I can't fucking stand Ringo, but whatever.
Oh, SLAP ME FUCKING DOROTHY LIKE AN INDIAN ON A TRAMPOLINE, that gross bitch Tyra Banks is on that model show right now and she's trying to fucking sing in this little sketch thing and I just can't stand her. She's so gross. This show looks stupid. We are really addicted to Project Runway because it's funny as hell, though.
Speaking of all this Joni, I can't get the line from Talk to Me out of my head: "There was a moon and a street lamp, I didn't know I drank such a lot, until I pissed a tequila anachonda the full length of the parking lot". It reminds me of this time I was drunk and we were peeing on the highway, me and Dirtnut and Marcus, and there was snow on the side of the road, and I spelled my name and underlined it. That's a lot of fucking pee. Everyone was so amazed, I felt like a celebrity.
Damn, I still didn't get a chance to post about internet people I used to talk to, NOR about the whole Margo "Mike" story and how she had me scared fucking shitless. Please remind me to do so this weekend, because that is a fucking doozie, yessiree.
Hey, what's up with Chantel Kreviasak doing hair dye commercials? It's so stupid - "hey mom, Nutriesse makes my hair soft as a baby's arse and it will even cover your gray, haggish hair' - well, that's the coles notes version. I was also suprised to see her do that commercial, but again, I am not judging her because I so would sell out too, and I'd be putting grey shoe polish in my hair trying out for those senior-citizens-getting-nasty Polident ads, or auditioning to be the old man with the monster cock telling his grandson all about how his grandma has to have it, in the spice commercial, if I knew I could get the gigs. But again, that suprised me. ANd what about Jessica Simpson doing the zit medicine ads? I was all into it when Angela from who's the boss was selling the shit, but Jessica SImpon? Did Nick get too big a settlement? And sorry Chunks, I am glad he got a pile of the money - she wanted out, so give him half, bee-otch! And do we believe she was really a virgin when they got married?
AND what is so hot about Lindsey Lohan? She's just a gross little bitch who will be a punchline like Liza Minelli one day.
Whoa, I am mean tonight, I really need to shut up, because as I said, I don't blame anyone for selling out.. but Lohan, well, she's just gross.
Finally, I am torn about the Madonna adoption thing because would you want that for your mother? As much as I love her, she's not what you would call motherly, and so while I am glad she is saving this kid from starving, what's he getting into? But then again, if I could get some of that Madonna money, you know I'd be all hanging out the pub that Guy Ritchie is currently drinking at in London dressed in an overcoat and with kleenex boxes on my feet, pretending I am 10 years old with the consumption, offering to clean chimneys for a bowl of soup, hoping he would take pity on me and he'd call Madonna up and they'd adopt me and I'd be Lola and Rocco's Ukrainian brother.
So I don't blame them for adopting either, no matter what the reasons are.
Well, I really feel the need to poop, so I must go now - JUST KIDDING! I just wanted to say that!
Night all!