Message to my favorite anonymous scumbag

Dear Person who stole three solar lights from my front yard:
I sincerely hope that, indeed, the prostate gland really is the male g-spot, because if I find you, and you are indeed a man, I plan on retrieving my three solar lights and shoving them up your thievish ass until said gland is impaled and hence for the rest of your life, your bodily fluids that spew forth from your nether regions will be solar powered and have a goulish glow that will forever reveal all of your dirty little secrets. So, I hope you are enjoying them now, as well as your non-glowing ejaculations. Of course, we could just impale you with the lights, but that would be too easy.
So, once again, enjoy!
Your friend and future proctologist,
JT