Holy lick, it's been a while since I've blogged. Wow, did I just say "holy lick"? Man, it sounds like I should bring out the acid wash. Hey Margo, do you remember the acid wash jacket I had, that had the pocket on the back and the sort of striped collar? I think I wore it when I got my barcard picture taken - do you remember that day, my 19th birthday? The mullet was especially spiffy and fuzzy that day, if I do remember correctly. Ah, good times....
Well, it's been a busy couple of weeks, and I the rest of this week will be brutal, but whatever. Just thought I would post a few misc. rambles that I've been thinking about. So, does anyone remember the days when McDonalds was honest-to-God FAST? As in, you got your food right away? I am not even talking about the good old days, when the food came in those nice styrofoam containers and they cooked it up constantly and threw it out after 20 mins. No, I am talking ab0ut not that long ago, when you would go to McDonalds and place the order and they'd give you the food and voila. Well, I don't know if it is other McDonalds, or just the ones in this town, but they are slower than fucking molasses. Example: Tonight, we thought we'd get take out since it's one of those weeks (I'll explain later) and we are super busy. So, finally at about 7 we decide to order some Vietnamese stuff for us from this little place that closes at 8, and grab McDonalds for the kids. WELL. I call the Vietnamese place, place the order, and go to pick it up. Kelly and Kristen come with me because they wanted to go for a ride, and I stop at the bank and then go to the McDonalds by the bank. Well, forgive my language, but I was so fucking mad by the time I was through there. The line up in the drive thru wasn't even that bad, maybe 4 or 5 cars ahead of me, but nothing is moving. Nothing. I figure out it was 13 minutes in line before I got to the window, because I listened to "Love Plus One" by Haircut One Hundred twice, and some other song I can't remember the name of once, and I added up the minutes. So by this point, I am grouchy, but I get to the window expecting a "sorry sir for the wait" spiel, but nada. Instead I am greeted by this KID who is so fucking young I am sure he doesn't even have any frigging pubic hair yet, so why they can even hire him, I don't know, since he should be home studying for the spelling bee and playing with his transformers or whatever the hell it is preteen boys play with nowadays. But alas, I place my order and he doesn't even ask me what kind of sauce I need for the nuggets. I was about to crawl through the window and pull some kind of Susan Powter "Stop the Insanity!" bullshit and throw him in the fryolator, and then whip big mac patties into the crowd and yell "free Tibet" or something. But I didn't. So after we get through there, the kids have to pee in the worst way, but I have to hightail it so the frigging Vietnamese place doesn't close before I get my food. So like, fucking McDonalds is all I have to say. Might as well go to A & W, because it doesn' take any longer now.
Oh, and don't get me started on Tim Hortons. Granted, all the Tims here are always lined up to hell's half acre, but the service is just so frigging crazy. Now, let me just say this: I know it would be brutal to work there. It really would. And I honor them all for working there, since it's so high pressure, especially in this town where people seem to mainline their coffee. Moreover, word on the street is the guy who owns three of them is really hard to work for and he can't keep employees, so he often hires the unemployable, and what I mean by that is people who haven't had jobs before, or for a long time, or whatever. So everyone is always "In Training" and it takes forever to get your stuff. Now, that is fine since they are learning, but then it never makes any sense, because poor little Wilda (I am not making her name up) has been working there for ages and she still hasn't been upgraded to a new nametag. So then today, the drive thru wasn't moving, so I parked, ran in, and while it was lined up to the doors, old Wilda didn't seem to care, and proceeded to mop the floor. However, she kept bellowing "watch out for the mop handle! I'm mopping the floor!" so all of us in line are dodging Wilda and her enthusiastic mopping. So I finally get to place my order with a really nice new woman who is in training and they have this set up finally at the one I go to where you order coffee and pick it up on the side (the opposite way from where you pick up your food). So, I move to the pick up spot, and fucking Wilda is all "Excuse me, excuse me!" and makes me move so she can mop. WTF? So then the server goes "whoa, bossy today Wilda!" and they laugh, but I wanted to say "put down that fucking mop until I get my coffee Wilda". Honest to God, she made me feel like I was some sort of inconvenience, and it was a big favor on Bev's part to serve me during floor washing season. I don't know if she has roll up the rim rage or what, but I was ready to just shove the fucking roll up the rim BBQ sitting in the middle of the store up her ass by the time I got out of there.
Anyway, nothing else to really say. There is this odd woman who is always walking down our street, and it's so weird. She's obviously walking for exercise, since she's tromping along with such purpose, but it is so weird - she walks like hours a day. Rach sees her in the day all the time and I see her after work and it's always the same thing: She's gussied to the nines with this freakish kinked/curled blond hair that looks like Shirley Temple's in a way, and it's all coiffed and bleached and shit, so it looks like she's spent a million hours doing it. And she's got her ipod and sandals (not running shoes) and she walks our street - not in a hooker sense, but in an "I am walking for my health" sense. The weird-ass thing is multifold - first, since she can't really be working, since she's always walking, how does she afford to maintain the hair? Second, why this street? She must live around here, but this is wacky - sure, we live on a really long street, but right behind us is the riverbank. I can see it from my deck - literally one street behind me and voila, there is a riverbank park with a beautiful walking trail that goes just as long as my street, but with no traffic, and all the scenery. There is an access path right next door to me to the riverbank. But yet curly Sue just walks on the boring old street. So what do you think? She must be mental, right?
Ok, another bugaboo - there was this commerical for Subway tonight about how they are supporting the Special Olympics, and that fucking Jared (who, as Homer Simpson so eloquently said, "is that guy who used to be fat but now is just ugly) was there rambling about how they are giving this money for Special O - but I was mad because Jared walks into this gym where these guys are playing some b-ball, but they PURPOSELY sort of blur the guys and then they only focus in on them AFTER Jared hands out the fucking subs and they are filling their faces. All you see are these eyes and a face filled with sandwich. Then, they pan out and where you'd see them all in the gym, you instead see this big blue banner across the screen that covers their faces, and it says "Subway supports the Special O" or something. So, they support special O, but they refuse to show retarded people's faces so they won't offend. I can see it now in the commercial pitch: "we don't want to unsettle the folks and remind them their chromosomes can bugger up, so let's stuff their different facial features with subs and a banner!" Well, I am insulted for everyone who supports Special O, because it is a slap in the face (the faceless face) for these people. Ok, I am off the soap box.
So I had a stupid dream this morning before I woke up. I was in West Edmonton mall, and I was walking with Clara, who I mentioned once before on here. Well, Clara in real life is quite sick, as her kidneys failed and she is on dialysis 3x a week. Well, we were walking and she's a tall drink of water, mind you, and I was going to change into my bathing suit for the Waterpark, and she was following me into the change room and I said "Clara, you are in the wrong room" and then I looked up at her, and suddenly realized that Clara had a sex change. Well, she was wearing these wranglers (She's always in them in real life) but had on this belt buckle and big old hat and she told me "Yeah, I saw this special on Teena Brandon and well, I knew I should be a man too" and had the operation. SO I said "Clara, what does Dean think" because Dean is her boyfriend, and he/she said "Oh, he's plenty pissed off at me" and I thinking "well no shit Sherlock, because you've got a fucking PENIS now, you moron" and then we run into this other friend of hers who fills me in on the sideline saying "she really regrets doing it now because she really thinks she's a woman now" and so I said "well, just get it cut off" and she was all "well, I got my ovaries out, so then I'd be on hormones anyway". But I kept thinking ovaries or no ovaries, you don't make a convincing man, so go back. So I woke up laughing my ass off to that one.
This sort of reminds me of when we all found out that Melissa Etheridge was a lesbian. I was really shocked by it, and it sort of makes me not be able to listen to the songs on the first album quite the same. I remember finding out and telling Margo, who wasn't out then, and we were all "Wtf?" because we loved that album, and she was just so gutsy and obsessive on those songs, and sorta crazy, and I loved it because I could relate to that doomed "you don't love me" shit she was always singing about, but I always pictured her as a motorcycle mama, singing about some biker dude, and obsessively following him around - like that one (I can't remember the names of the songs now) where she's going "you can throw me down another cigarette, I smoked my last one an hour ago" and I just picture her in front of some stoop in Little Italy, stalking some dude named Carmine with a big rag on his head. Or when she sings "Like the Way I do" and does that "tell me does she love you like the way I love you, does she stimulate you, attract and captivate you, does she miss you, existing just to kiss you, like the way I do" part, and she screams it, I just thought she was singing it about her Carmine. I would always belt out that one from the bottom of my gut, but whereas I would imaging singing it to a woman, I just didn't figure she was too. So, whereas her other albums I just picture her singing about a woman, the first one just freaks me out that way. Strangely, the George Micheal "I Want Your Sex" thing didn't change who I pictured he was singing it about once he was caught wagging his weenie to the cop or whatever the hell that was, because I don't care, I will always just associate that song with him and that Asian woman, who looked so creepy with that blonde hair. Maybe because she looked bossy and wouldn't give him her sex without him begging, but you are convinced that he really wants her sex, and you just want to shout "give it up bitch, so he'll shut the hell up". Does this make any sense? Because really, she looks so frigging cold in that video, and he's just all "c'mon, baby" and it's like this is the second part of "Everything She Wants". But I am rambling and I probably don't make any sense.
Hey Margo, remember singing that song in the whore's Charger, driving out to see your boyfriend in Birch Hills, and me and the whore were singing "sex is best when it's 3 on 1" or "sex is best when it's 10 on 4" and all that stuff, and you were getting so mad that we were ruining the song? You sure didn't like that one.
Remember also when you always used to listen to something - was it Total Eclipse of the Heart - when you were drinking and we got so sick of it we took the record, the whore and I, and broke it into a million pieces when we were drunk and her mom cut her foot on the pieces and you got yelled at? Good times..... sorry about that, by the way, as you never broke "Making Plans for Nigel" by XTC or "If I'd Been the One" by .38 Special, which I always had to listen to when we drank in the whore's skanky basement. Wait, I am not sorry, because you always used to make us listen to Tanya Tucker over and over and I hated that more than anything. And you guys thought it was so funny when you changed the words to Jamestown Ferry ("he just caught the jamestown ferry, it was a hot day in january, like he said it would be if he'd ever left me") to "he just caught his dick in his zipper...." yeah, that was funny.
ok, going to bed now, sorry be ranting.
the golden globes are now over, y'all y'all yall.