Politics would be more exciting than this post

I don't know how much time I have - I have a baby who is unsettled, so it's anyone's guess how long he'll be down for. Anyway, just popping in whilst I rip some music to the old MP3 - Most of my MP3 player is just a hodgepodge of songs I download, but lately, since I've started walking, I've wanted actual albums, so right now I am ripping Kate Bush's The Red Shoes and I am going to follow that with Purple Rain and Sheryl Crow's self-titled album and her Globe Sessions. I may also add a cd by X if I feel like it.
I just finished watching Family Guy - that, I must admit, is the best show on television. Yeah, yeah, all you sanctimonious readers will say it's offensive, because it is, but it's so damn funny and smart too. I even have mrs. JT into it, and she usually refuses to watch anything animated.

Hmmmm, just playing some random songs on the MP3 right now - I forgot how good "Sam Brown's "Stop" was. And fuck, wasn't Whitney awesome before she was on the crack pipe? I am listening to "I have Nothing", which followed "You Give Good Love". Damn that crack pipe all to hell!
Holy Aunt Jemima Jesus, this is a boring post. The Aunt Jemima reference is a phrase I can't get out of my head. I was talking with a friend of mine, a former coworker, about books, and she was saying her sister, who is a minister, was going on and on about The Shack and how it's the best book she ever read, but my friend can't get into it, and was really disturbed that Jesus (who is in the book I guess) was "this Black Aunt Jemima woman" who at one point gets covered in flour whilst cooking. Anyway, it was just the phrase that stuck with me.
Speaking of Jesus, I am still reading "Catholicism for Dummies" and that thing hurts my head. You see, I am going through one of my searching for religion stages again, and for some odd reason, I can't get Catholicism out of my head, even though I turned my back on that long ago. You see, I was baptised a Catholic, and my dad is (or was until the past year or so) a faithful attendee of Mass every week. My mom, on the other hand, converted when they got married, but from what I understand had a fight with a priest about birth control somewhere down the line and stopped going to church, so by the time I was 2 or 3, I am sure she never attended another Catholic Mass again. Her parents and sister were faithful members of the United Church, but she never went back again to any religion, ever. So anyway, I never had anything to do with the Catholic Church, except for the odd time I'd go to Mass when I was 4 or 5. Then, when my sister became born again, I went to her Pentacostal Church back when I was 9 or 10 and that experience was completely different, and I was immersed in that world for a while. Even after I got out of that, I still disapproved of the Catholic Church.
Anyway, now that I am older, I thought it was a no-brainer that if I joined a church, it would be the United Church, because they believe in everything I believe in - they are progressive and accepting. And while the reason I loved the pentacostal stuff was the relaxed nature, part of me is really attracted to the ritual of the Catholic Church and the whole ancient tradition.
So, I thought that since I was already baptised a Catholic, maybe that whole thing would actually be ok. But reading the book makes it clear yet again that I still don't believe in the Church's stance on MANY issues, and so i can't be a Catholic if I don't believe in the righteousness or whatever they call it of the Church. I was thinking "oh, I know a billion Catholics who don't agree with everything in the Church but still go" but really, that would be against the whole thing. So I just don't know. I still like the tradition and ancient aspects of it, but I don't know if I can swallow the infallibility of the Church, so who knows. But I am more than freaked out that I feel this draw to the Catholic Church, because I so disapproved of it my whole life. I dunno, what would Jackson Browne do? (I am listening to "The Pretender" right now).
Anyway, that's my spiritual dillema of the week.
On the sadness front, I am surviving. I went through a few weeks of pure hell where I thought I was going to crack up - the last 2 weeks of November were hideous, and I don't know why. I keep having regrets and reliving it, and I think the realization is setting in. And each week, when mrs. JT takes the kids to dance and I have the other two at home, I start to make supper and remember that that was the time I always called my mom and caught up on everything, and I have found myself actually reaching for the phone and then that cold realization suddenly just hits you like a kick to the nuts. And then it's Christmas and the first Xmas without her, and our family revolved around my mom - she was the star of the show, so without her, I don't know... everyone is dreading it to no end....... At least I have little kids to keep me busy that day, but I feel bad because I resent everyone's happiness. That's a horrible thing to say, but if I am being honest, I do. Anyway, that post last week with the Kate Bush video was part of working it out. When Mom was in the hospital, I kept having that song play over and over in my head and it was torture, the whole "I know you have a little life in you left/I know you have a lot of strength left/I should be crying but I just can't let it show/I should be hoping but I can't help thinking/ all the things that we never said that we should have said/all the things we should have done but we never did....", those lines just kept going around and around. I needed to finally listen to them, painful as it was.
I keep getting weepy listening to Gypsy too. It's always been just about my favorite song, but I suddenly had this realization in September as I was listening and now it haunts me. Stevie wrote it for her best friend Robin, after she died... of leukemia. So, there I am one day, making supper, singing ""she is dancing away from you now" and I got that feeling in my gut, and then the lines .... and a memory is all that is left for you now" and I coulda fell over because I remembered Robin and how she died. So, needless to say, by the time I got to the "I still see your bright eyes, bright eyes" at the end, I was bawling, because right before my mom died, I actually lifted her eye lid to take one last look at her eyes and to try to remember them (OMG, I sound so morbid, but it really wasn't - really).
ANYWAY, now I hear Gypsy and I have to steel myself for it.
But anyway, I just want to get through Christmas.
What else... tomorrow the kids have their Xmas concert, and Saturday is piano recital and next Friday the older two are performing a dance number at this Xmas thing in town, so i can't wait until that's all done too.
Anyhoooo, I gotta get to bed. Just had to say I am doing ok, and I am still alive - just busy!
xo