Deep thoughts for you and rages against Star Jones and Whoopi Goldberg, the asskissio of the new millenium

I am not sure I comprehend the basis of The Bachelor. I mean, they pick a dude, then a gaggle of bitches, in the true sense of the word, and they compete to marry him? Would you let your daughter go on that show to compete to marry a stranger? I sometimes let out a small sigh for the human race.
I think I just saw a commercial for the View and it looks like Star comes back for a visit? Am I right? I hope not. I refuse to watch it now that Rosie is gone, because Whoopi went from someone cutting edge and completly mental (remember the Ted Danson blackface thing?) to just a slimy ass-kisser. Whoopi Goldberg: Asskissio for the new millenium. Seriously, I thought she had good sense to start the Hollywood Squares thing, but that was so lame and safe and forced us to know Tom the host, one of the most annoying people this side of Andrew Ridgely, and that fucking gross hobbit Bruce Villanch, who you wouldn't even be able to roll in flour because he'd probably eat it first. So she lost street cred, and now she won't rock the boat, so fuck the whole lot of those fuckers. Well, except Joy. She's trapped there. But why they'd let that fucking frog-faced ass-licker Star back, even for one show, I don't know. And yes, I am being mean. I think the bitch can take it. I mean, you can keep your secretly stapled stomach to yourself, you can take a dose of the old JT verbal attack.
Anyway, I also sigh for humanity when I see Star Jones and her creepy husband. Star, I am pretty sure his next wife will be Liza, if you know what I mean. I'm not just being a blad clat either. I love what Kathy Griffin had to say about Star on Ellen last week. Ellen said she'd been the butt of all the jokes when she came out, so she knows what Britney feels, and Kathy said she only makes fun of people who bring it on themselves, and she said something like "I mean, I worked with Star Jones, she's a fucking bitch, let's be honest" or something, and damn, I fell in love with her right there. Kathy, you had me at fucking bitch!

On a completely different note, I have some questions I wonder about, and wonder if you think of them too:

Do you ever worry that the juice that you buy is made up of fruit that is so ugly and shitty that it is only juice because it can't be sold? I worry about that sometimes.
Do you ever wonder what all those stock people are doing on the exchange floor when they are yelling and signaling? I wonder who knows what they are doing and saying and if it means anything.
Do you ever wonder if Hillary Clinton ever covers herself in oil and rides Bill like a bronco? I somehow don't think she's seen a penis since The Crying Game.
Do you ever wonder why Oprah gets so lumpy and ropey, even when she has that dude on staff to keep her skinny? Bitch needs a Mike Holmes to give Bob a kick in the arse.
Do you ever wonder why Goodhost Iced Tea isn't sold in America?
Do you ever wonder how much tongue Eddie Van Halen really has left?
Do you ever wonder if Whoopi sort of stinks down there?
Do you ever wonder why we are putting all this money into space travel when people are starving, dying without health care, killing themselves in gang fights, and robbing each other? Do you ever wonder what we could accomplish if we did things for the right reasons?
Do you ever wonder what would have happened if the Beatles didn't break up?
Do you ever wonder if Michael Jackson and Pricillia Presley go to the same surgeon?
Do you ever wonder how much earwax you actually have in your ears?
Are you as preoccupied as I am about the sudden colony collapse syndrome or whatever it's called that hits all the beehives? I'm pretty freaked by it, and I am not joking.
Do you wonder why on earth Eddie Murphy and that Spice Girl slept with each other and can you picture them doing the deed?
Do you wonder why Eddie keeps doing these strange Norbit type of movies?
Do you sometimes wonder about all the weird flaws on your body?
Do you think it's best to win over a raging bitch by killing her with kindness, or being antagonistic and not playing that game?
Do you wonder what made the bitch a bitch instead of just reacting?
Does everyone have issues with their childhood? Will our kids be the same?
Does everyone who custom builds a kitchen include an appliance garage and a pantry?
Do you believe that the freaky little symbol on the old Proctor and Gamble boxes in the 70s really were satanic?
Do you not capitalize satan just to score some points with the man upstairs?
Do you get freaked at the thought of both creamation AND burial?
Do you think that the world will run out of bananas in your lifetime, like they say might happen?
Do you wonder if Ghostbusters killed the career of Ray Parker Jr.?
Do you wonder what happened to people like Ray and wonder what they are doing now?
Do you think the lead singer of REO Speedwagon was just the grossest looking person this side of Geddy Lee?
Do you think that your aversion to REO was really because you loved Journey and considered REO as a threat to Journey's quest for superstardom?
Do you ever wish someone would release something comparable to Escape and Frontiers and Raised on Radio nowadays?
Do you ever wonder what aspartame is doing to our colons?
Do you wonder what the hell is up with Dr. Oz's shoes?
Do you think you'd actually spray your shower with daily shower spray shit, if you actually had it handy?
Do you think the shit would streak if you did spray it?
And finally, do you think that you are the only person who thinks these things?

Anyway, after all that free association, I will leave you with the Hutterites. May the good Lord bless you and keep you well during the coming full moon.